Spasms of free thought

"It's the place where something's happening...though you may or may not be willing to watch it."

Thursday, November 4, 2021

Drabble series: November 3rd 2015

 Nov 3rd 2015-

It is getting colder :( I hope that Mom is warm and layered up. I am fine it turns out. Or is it not cold enough for another layer. But my my is it cold.

But in other news,  I am back in the swing of things and it feels so great! The morning vlog was good. I have a tick though. I wonder why. Supergirl was awesome last night! My list of crackships grow!

 (Update: Allura/Henshaw tops Jimmy/Superman and Cat/Kara and Allura/Alex)

And Harry Styles at qwear is amazing! Now I can say that I can legitimately dress like him! Since Mom did say he dresses like "a woman"; which of course there's nothing wrong with. Women wear great things and your gender doesn't completely determine your clothing!

I have to get some more final cut tutorials; and get to my scripts; and make the social media and basics for Wild Echoes...

So a lot and yet not much! 

Full list

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Saturday, October 16, 2021

Slideback Saturday: November 2nd 2015

 Nov 2nd 2015-

First new Monday of the month. November is a gateway month to December. And gosh darn it, I am just excited! I went in the mall today and it just felt soo nice!

But I'm not gonna lie, it would be nicer if they had plugins so I didn't have to come all the way to the library. be honest. If I want to really work on my things and I mean, really work on it, the library is the best place to do it.

It's quiet and there WiFi. I think I will take time to actively implement coming here to work on my stuff. Because I need quiet and no distractions. I need focus. 

And I read a few of my earlier drabbles and rants earlier this year. To my surprise I have yearned for a mixture of similar things time and time again; self-esteem, focus and belief in myself and best of all, my disgust at the human penis. 

Like I'm so gay I can't even right now. And I was struggling to express myself and to be focussed and productive.

But sometimes I do think that you learn homosexuality. As if its in something you're used to then its something you learn. Now of course this is innately wrong, but I do believe that everything is taught. And actually, that's my big thing.

One has to be taught how to do something. Or they pick it up as they go along. But it is all a brain mechanism anyway. Pick up, learn, practice. Repeat. 

So to be honest, one of the greatest passions of my life has revolved around art and Media, ie, drawing and writing. 

I didn't really want to learn how to draw. I just did it and didn't take the time to practice really. I didn't really make myself into something.

I was and always will be a brain. A brainy blob with legs. And that's all. I was parka girl. I was introverted, I was clumsy, I was quiet. I was reserved. 

Now I'm slightly different but still the same in some aspects. Except I am trying to change the static part of me. 

Mom always resented me on my not being dynamic. But I want to be dynamic. I want to be active. I know I can be. I have to create the circumstances for my activity. My dynamics. 

I can't let the world make excuses. It doesn't care. But I care. I have to stay in the good and happy state of mind. 

I was at NUTV and I was sad today. A little bit. They were having fun. That could've been me in there with them. 

Then again I haven't been involved since Smashburger and I've let it be an excuse. Of course I shouldn't have. 

I won't. You know what will happen if I just let the world slip? I'll slip too.

Ok! Ok! Let's write this! Let's be the best me I can be! 

Also, email Antonio!

Last thoughts: It's sleeting actually, not snowing. And if it was cold. I would definitely know about it. Rather, I would feel it!

Write a prompt each day! And read it aloud! Or do it once a week! And read if aloud! Why are you doing what you're doing? Act! Breathe! Be! Laugh! Be! In the moment! Slow! Down! No! Rush! 

I do have to meet Esther is 15 minutes though. Ack, the rush. Always rush. Sigh. Punctuality is a strange one. It's a strength but it can be a personal weakness because there's just memory and no reason to it!

Full List here

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Friday, October 15, 2021

Flashback Friday: Oct 30 2015

 Oct 30th 2015-

Sigh. Back from work at last. Today was an interesting day. Like actually. I didn't feel like crying. I just went through the motions.

I learned about Ken today. It just helps me confirm how...sweet he is. And how crappy I've been. I ignored him and straight up lied. I have been receiving his calls. Didn't respond to them. But then he sounded like he was really worried. And I'm sure he was. 

Oh boo. Said from the guy who ignores my call from the day we opened. But I'm sure it was an accident. Or he just honestly forgot. And I kinda feel bad now. So I will respond to him. 

And now to talk about more bittersweet things. Like I'm pretty sure this time last year I was going over to Jeremy's place for his party. And I saw Geoffrey and Clayton and invited Vera and Colleen and found out Sean had a crush on me? 

And the last time I saw Jeremy's dad. :( May he rest in peace. Joey was a great dad. I was a punkette-ish.

I dunno. I tried to dress up without looking the part. It was cool. It was fun.

Now it's all sad. Because that was a year ago. Time went by so fast. 

Now I'm in Calgary. The scenery isn't beautiful up close. I have a part-time fast food job. But I got time to build experience and make a name for myself in media. And I'm going to keep going. And I will arm myself until I can go wherever I please and give something instead of taking it.

I'm not gonna lie; I'd like to see Toronto. Vancouver for school and friends, Calgary for friends and projects, but darn it, Toronto is at the center of all the action. Or at least if seems to. I'm intrigued.

And my mother is the happiest I've ever seen her. At least she's better now than back in Vancouver. 

And I'm ok. I'm lonely a bit sexually, I'm frustrated too spiritually but I'm aware that its me. I'm not at my peak point. My spirituality is pretty weak. 

I have to learn at working at myself. Slow down. Learn. I've never quite done that. Actuy never. I'm rushing and dismissing and leisurely getting my way or settling. I've squandered my way through my talk and my writing for the longest while. 

And it's costing me. 

I'm sad because I don't feel good enough in anything and that's not good. I don't know what I can say I'm good at. Everything has to be learned and practiced. Do it for yourself. Be best for yourself. God don't burn me. God don't leave me alone. He won't, or if he is it's for a reason. 

Final cut. I have to do my final cut. I have to get discipline. I've grown into someone who works outside for results. Not working for herself. 

Last thoughts: Weekend. New weeks. New me. New habits. You're ok. Remember that. You will be healthy. Active. Hungry.

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Thursday, October 14, 2021

See you on the Flipside of Forever (2009-2021)

 Hello world.

We've been on this reflective road for quite some time, haven't we? It feels like forever ago when we had creative ambitions. We aimed to rule the world and share our interests and follies. 

Well, this is my final post on this blog. 

Rather, I think this will be the last time I want to write to you in such a way.

For the longest time, I held you up as a sign of half life and death and as a receptacle of my feelings towards the world at the time, though you didn't hold all of my feelings no. 

And now, I'm in a much different place than when this was first started. 

Creatively, my ambition is barely beginning as I've been blessed with friends and castmates to release an awesome webseries that will see the light of day and there will be so much more where that came from. 

Socially, I'm thriving with friends and building new members of my found family though we are scattered physically. 

However, in other spheres, significant life events have me mourning and grieving for the first time. 

And in my head, at the least for the time being, I welcome that space, that opportunity, that change. 

By the end of this year, I will be alone. While yes I am ultimately unencumbered and free to speak and choose for myself in all my decisions, I will be facing a big adjustment and I am...weary of my emotions. They will overwhelm me. But in time, they will pass. 

I guess this post is really just...I'm gonna try and write more things like this just elsewhere. I'll post the rest of my drabbles and vlogs too but this is effectively kaput. You've been good to me and now it's time to set you down in peace. 



Monday, July 8, 2019

Throwback Tuesday: Thirsty Tuesday Edition

((*dusts blog*

Hello to no one. There's no one really here, so this is funny upon retrospect. This is just the place where I keep my writing and look back. Cuz I'm in a slightly different place with this place than I was back then. But the 2019 World Cup ended and here we are. The US won against the Netherlands and everything's looking up GAY. So here's a clunky post of me writing my own feelings about Women's Football in 2012. Content Warning: There will be Thirst. ))

Ups and Downs of a Football Fangirl
A post by Suzanne Helen James
Sometime in 2012-ish? Or 2013...

"I can't describe my feels at the moment"...isn't that accurate anymore.

 I'm a lot better than I was hours ago, still reeling from the heartbreaking and powerful loss the Canadian Women's Football team went through at the hand of the resilient US women's football team.

This being said from a girl who literally a month ago had little to no interest in sports, least of all the Olympics. Not too long before they were beginning, I was puzzled as to why they'd be so important when there's so much else that the world could focus on...

But then I remembered that you can have two things to worry about and balance them at the same time. That's completely ok.

And then of course, there was Tumblr. The land of white privilege being debunked, visible minorities become People of color and there's a world where it seems that depending on whom you follow, you'll be utterly oblivious to a world where STRAIGHT people, let alone straight, white cis-males exist.

Because every time I'm on there I'm sucked into a world of androgyny, good porn, visual art porn and social justice where everyone's gay and queer as they come and still have time to have the geekiest or the most athletic interests in the world. Or beg people to join them on Tinychat and worship their mundane activities or just sit back and watch the show.

Which is what I tried to do on one Tiny chat with a Tumblr celebrity known as Kara Murphy, known as vagina thumper. It was...intriguing at times and utterly nonsensical and random the next.

Now how do the olympics fit into this?

Well Tumblr being the quick eye that is it and being an American blog site, it wasn't long before time and time again my dashboard would be filled here and there with Megan Rapinoe. Or Abby Wambach. Or of course Hope Solo.

And since they were showcased on tv, I occasionally looked up various sports blogs. A lot of them had the olympics. Then I stumbled upon women's soccer.

I should call it football but I'm lazy so I'll exchange from time to time.


At first to be frakin honest I came for the eye candy and the athletic fantasy of it. I mean COME ON, how could you not? Tall, strong, muscled women working out, living together and playing together, training together with training bars and shirtless on good days; all this while running back and forth trying to keep control of the ball and watching their faces as they scored.

And watching their celebration dances or rituals.

The derps of athletes are often the most memed.

Also, said fanservice was further fueled for all the participating teams because let's face it, most of them gals out there are hot. Or cute. Or both.

I wikied most of the teams and often widened my eyes appreciatively or rolled my eyes. Or gasped at their power.

Basically I fangirled a lot.

That fangirling erupted when I stumbled upon Megan Rapinoe and the US team. Yes, that team whom I mentioned I was stunned in silence for.

Then there was Abby Wambach. Don't get me started on her.

I should note that all of this had been mostly been done through Tumblr. Because that's my new home now where I'm there 13/7.

Exaggerating but not really.

Back to subject.

After officially discovering the adorable of the USWNT, I was captivated enough to keep tabs on the scores on wikipedia.

Then it wasn't long before I found out about the Canadian's Women's National team. The process had been the same; I had vaguely heard about them here and there but then stumbled on Tumblr and searched through the hype.

To begin with, Karina Leblanc is the epitome of awesome. She's sharing that title but she's the one getting the title first. Because she's the one having gotten me interested in the team in the first place!

Her videos are captivating, eye-opening and she herself is a ton of fun. And hell cute to boot.

Then there was Melissa fucking Tancredi. She looks like the mischievous one and the enthusiastic one after Leblanc. And I'm not just saying that due to Tumblr meme, but her videos show that.

Then there's the sweetest ball of fluff and love and honey ever.

Fucking Canadian stallion ride me to bed Christine motherfucking Sinclair.

I should note that I have a girlfriend. So when I'm asking Christine motherfucking Sinclair to ride me to bed, it's a mild fangirl joke. Mild in the sense that in an alternate Universe where I had grown up with a cemented interest in athletics and had been invested in soccer early on to the point of having a possible chance of having queen Sinc as a coach or something, I wouldn't be surprised if things would've happened in that direction.

I should say COULD'VE.

((Again, on a serious note, one should never assume another character's sexual orientation and actively go on them and pursue them in real life. I'm being utterly and comedically facetious here. I'm saying all of this as a fantastical delusion. Ms. Sinclair is an exceptional football player and her private life is hers lead and ours to respect regardless of what is said or not said, implied or inferred. The same can be said for all athletes in the public spotlight. If you idolize them that's good. If you're obsessed with them to the point of disturbing stalking, that is a sign you should get psychiatric assistance. I'm a mere fan who's aware of her limitations and who has a loving, supporting girlfriend. That's the difference between me and an overtly obsessed fan. If you want help, please ask for it.))

With that disclaimer out of the way...

Sinclair in question is quiet, introverted and has her eye on the game. She seems mild-mannered and all the strengths of a good team captain; she leads well  through her actions, speaks when spoken to and knows when to strike. She shows her stuff on the field. And she's more adorable and beautiful the more you get to know about her.

To be quite frank, personality-wise she reminds me of an acquaintance I had met last fall by pure cruel coercion. Said acquaintance was sweet, gentle and reminded me of Sinclair in many ways.

Except she's a former gymnast who had a fucking Iron cast in her leg and is now going into science.

Yeah, how's that for a twist?

But yeah. Minor diversion aside, Sinclair is fucking awesome. She's a calm and quiet team captain, but when she feels wronged, has no qualms stepping up to say so.

Which is what brings me to the clash between the two fans of both teams. Now to be frank, I'm not a big soccer fan and I've played here and there with video games or against my will in elementary and secondary school. I've never payed much attention to sports in general because I just didn't. I guess a bit of me ignored the fact that there were women teams and all but because I personally wasn't into the fandom, I just thought it was a thing that didn't concern me. I was never personally invested because I guess I had no reason to be. I'm pretty individualistic and my patriotism shows when we've done good and through my desire for employment.

But then I found myself interested in women's football for these past few weeks and the build up to monday was epic. When I woke up and caught up that they were tied 3 to 3, I was ecstatic. (I was also wondering why there's no silver medal...)

Then I went online and watched the last 20 minutes of in an over 100+ minute game. That's a fucking long time full of injuries, broken bones, and misplaced fouls and rattling of computers that started long before I logged on. And when I started to watch, I was watching the latter half of it.

And then when Alex Morgan shot that defining goal...

My heart didn't shatter. I did feel like crying though. My body just stilled and took it. It hit me bitterly and quietly. And while I clapped when the American team cheered and looked on as their fight was well-won and they kept their spot at number one...

The dejected look on the Canadian team totally gutted me. Then of course came the influx of rudeness from some of the American fans who attacked their Canadian peers who rightfully thought the referee had apparently miscalled critical shots, and felt they were wronged. Those who were complaining that the Canadian fans were just bitter and added insult to injury were making me angry and pissed. Our team FUCKING deserved that win.

FUCKING DESERVED IT, motherfuckers.

But we didn't win.

That doesn't mean that the game played wasn't good. As far as I'm concerned, it was FANTASTIC as a flying squirrel bursting in rainbows. Everyone saw the mettle of the Canadian team, saw the growth, progress and determination that the team had brought that day. Christine motherfucking stallion love rider Sinclair had scored an impressive hat trick and tied Southern rival Abby Wambach for most goals scored internationally.

Our little favorite Megan motherfucker Rapinoe scored the first two games of the incredible set.

Neither of which would've been done without the teamwork that both sides provided and displayed with fervour and good will. Sure it was aggressive but they had grit and needed to prove themselves.

And Canada, you have. Do not worry about it, you're fucking awesome. For those who belittle you, there are a thousand more who support and adore you.

The game could've honestly been anyone's match. And if there's foul play abound and more than one player saw that then its must be noted by the officials. It should be noted and dealt with so that in future matches, this incident doesn't influence how the game is played and what could've been an otherwise a proper game.

Nonetheless, I still think we're winners. I know I am because otherwise I would've had a dull summer. Well maybe not dull but certainly not as fun if the olympics weren't on.

So good game gals.

Good game.

Having heart palpitations every other minute was excruciating though.

And that will happen again on thursday, seeing as my home country facing my birth country for bronze and the US is facing Japan for the gold.

I have so many hats and so little heads to put them all on.

And besides, we know for sure that Canada's fucking number one in Rugby sevens with our recent win in Amsterdam.

And that's good enough for a consolation prize. Along with us getting Bronze against France.

And a potential sportsfic in the works.

So with that said....


((Heads up, the sportsfic was never written. But my interest in sports grew.))

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Ok! Maybe a better, more nuanced look back

..Hello again.

I'm back. And I have a bit more to say on the matter about the previous year.

Namely that I did a bit more than a expected and most of it wasn't creative.

There were really about 2 phases to 2018 and they pretty much went like this.

Phase 1 was in the beginning of the year; I was still a part of CUTV, the local Community Station from Conocridias University. And it's a pretty cool place.

I did help to craft an edit for a cool video that took about a year to finish. That video is Queens Creation: The Evolution. It's pretty much my biggest project to date. It was a labour of love between Agent Lynx and myself and I could not be ever more grateful for the opportunity. I got to learn how to edit and it was fun. She made it fun.

On the other hand, my other video was one that I had been suggested for. I had been at CUTV for about a year for that time and I had done a few videos and so out of the kindness of the member's heart, she gave my name up for a gig to create a summary
video for the Concordia Student Coalition.

The event itself was good. 3 days of sustainability. However, my own footage was not that good. No matter how much I tried to make something about it, it just wasn't what they were looking for.

From that video, I did learn that maybe I should take a step back before accepting any other gigs for money. Because I feel that I need to be in a position to earn that money and be what they needed.

Like, there are things in my life that I feel pretty bummed about. A personal blunder about honesty in relationships and in this case, being honest in professional relationships as well.

As a creative, my work has not really been going anywhere within the last year or so.
It's defintely hard to admit and I'm in the state to say that my works sucks and I need some work.

How I will get that work is something I'm looking at. And the world doesn't need to know that.

But anyway! Then ONTO PHASE 2.

From February to August, I pretty much starting training for an airline and everything else took a backburner.

But it was worth it. Of course the question did I do it?

Not by myself, no. Being a Christian does help in putting this into persepective because they did not make this easy. Who else can do this but God?

But then I passed probation. And I'm staying in forever.

So that's really that.

I guess I want to make a point that things feel different when a new year begins and it's just about howe you can make that feel new.

So that's really the point of this extra post.

And yes, here's my Podcast for good measure.

See you on the flipside.

Suzanne Helen James.

Sunday, December 30, 2018


...Why watch the Lone Ranger when I can take the time to reflect on my career.

I mean, what career?

Creatively, my biggest success has been objectively Queens Creations.

And I'm pretty happy about it. I can tell I'm happy about it.

Everything else seems far away. Adam's apple is second, but otherwise that's it.

So I thought I was supposed to have this overdue diatribe about how the one thing I did of substance this year was that, but then to top it off...

I also did Concordia Transitions. For money. Like, I thought I had gained enough subject to really take a look at a paid gig.

And to this day, I still felt like this was a giant mess of a deal. I blew half the money and I'm pretty sure that I fucked up. And they just cut me off.

And then there was Air Canada. From February to August, I pretty much had my life already decided and yes, I didn't think I'd get it.

But God gave it to me, because there had been slivers. There had been moments. Margins. Almosts.

But nope, here I am and here I am planning. No, dreaming to fly.

Today's thought is going to an assortment of feeling and thought because at the end of the day it always is. And I can see myself within the words and I can hear myself and I want more.

I didn't do that much. I got a new job. I helped with Queens Creations. And also, yes, I was on a podcast.

I saw Vera for a bit. I made new friends. And the whole I learnt about myself thing because wow there's a lot I can do for money.

But here I am looking back at 2018. Which yes, felt like a longass year.

And yet it's over in the blink of an eye in a mere 24 hours.

Was this part of a longer series of looking back? Who knows but I'm in a good place.

Because I can see the tomorrow.

So now there's just the effort to put in yourself to try and stick with the thing. Because that's all that's left. This here. This is something that even though it seems "effortless" it is a fucking load of work and vulnerability. And that's where I need to go next. Go where I'm afraid to go and brave the other side.

See you on the Flipside.

Suzanne Helen James

Friday, June 16, 2017

Drabble series: 11/30/2015

Oct 29th 2015-

I was supposed to blog today. I am doing so now.

Ok. Actually it's a Friday morning blog and I will likely still do a Friday blog but anywho.

I feel very hollow at times. I have no friends. Not in the sense that I'm unimportant or unattached. But I feel strangely selfish. Karol sent me a postcard though. And she's the only one.

No one else did.

See this train of thought is stupid. Next I appreciate my friends for their emotional support and comfort and their friendship. It's not in material things that will disappear but in the affection and time you care and show. And I've been shown that. And I value that. I value my strong emotional ties with the people I met.

We don't walk and talk all day, but that doesn't mean we're not talking or we're not thinking about each other. Though I think that I'm bad at keeping people in my life. I only want them when it suits me. But then is it strangely how that works? Your friends are your source of selfishness of desire, of being recognized and acknowledged.

Alone is the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes I feel it. But it just might be my thoughts not doing what I want.

Sometimes I don't know what I want. And I don't feel ok with that. Like yesterday, at work. Had I left early, I would've lost hours in the few that I had. And the store would've been a cashier less. Sure it slowed down but then its stiff these days.

I'm straight. I love dick. Yum yum yum. Blowjobs are amazing and I want them all the time. Like this blows. And all the sexual euphemisms are just amazeballs.

Honestly I'm disgusted by dick. Like the hypersexualization of the penis makes me sick.

I want more queer stories. Like, more sweet romantic first times. More hardy party fun times. More drama to break the prescribed gender binary and the definition of what female and male means.

Like, gosh. I guess I want my stories told. Because most of mine were pretty cool over all. You had drama, romance, friendships, break-ups, crying, all the works.

I also just want an easy life. God franf me the easy life and grant me a husband and child.

And then I think. Not really. That could be a play.

And then there's me. I'm not making life easy for myself.

I also want to go on a date. Like a cute romantic date. And then I think of the actual reality.

I can't act.

I get nervous. I had a breakdown. When I can't get through something, I try to get out of it. Awkwardly I might add.

But I'll be ok. I'm pretty sure I'm getting there.

I think I was sad today because I didn't get to blog. I distracted myself. And I want to be at my fullest. And I don't want change. I want fun and work.

At least in media, when there's a conflict, you will not be butting heads often. But at smashburger, Ricky is always there.

Ready to press buttons.

Like, character-wise, he's a great antagonist. Charming, biting, nitpicky and selectively intimidated. He's an asshole and isn't even polite. Not after a time.

Like sabotage is his thing.

He's the power-hungry and friendly one to those he likes. So basically he taunts and apologizes to get you to shut up. He doesn't mean it. He's dismissive and abrasive.

If he was a video game villain, he would so much fun to beat.

Last thought: Saturday! editing! Oh my gosh! I am annoyed. At being bad. So I need to refresh my memory tomorrow! Be ready! Phillipians 4:13!

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Drabble series: 11/28/2015

Again with an idea. The construction of beauty through 3 individuals; the beauty in question, coming into her own, the best friend intimidated by the beauty's newfound attentions while trying to find her own sense of beauty and the poor young man bombarded with his own infatuation with the beauty.

The two girls are in like. The boy will be ok.

All this because of a midriff. My midriff. And blasted teenagers. The web series. The performance of feminine sexyness. And the passivity of men's courtships and rituals.

Men have to court. Women have to prepare themselves. Grooming is mutually essential for a good cover.

But at the same time, women don't have to do anything. They will be objectified.

Men don't have to do anything either though. They will excused for anything.

Two different extremes. Fascinating in theory yet infuriating in practice because it's imbalanced.

Last thoughts: Work. You betta work. Work. Like blah. Build good habits.

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Drabble series: 11/27/2015

Oct 27th 2015-

Ok. Okayyy! It's been hard to vlog. And then you can think about it and be like, well, you have to be by yourself to do it. Though that isn't true, it is your personal private time you get to share. And you tend to forget that.

I had a silent vlog yesterday for laughs and I think I should just make another one today. It does go to the realm of doing things that are done without value, but no. That's not what this is. Don't fall into that trap. This is an exercise. One vlog, one drabble everyday.

And on that subject...I think I forgot how to write. Other than these forms of confessionals, which is more likely word vomit, any other sort of form is actually escaping me. Or rather, I think it is. Or I am not willing to try and improve. Because my first time will be a bad try. But that's not fair to the story. How are you supposed to get it done if you don't do it at all?

And of course you know this. And I think the TV is actually a distracting thing. How many shows do you really watch? And again, you can watch them online. Someone, somewhere will find a way to access it for free.

That reminds me; it would be amazing if there was a USB key that could help you free up free space on your PVR. So you can access your recordings anywhere. And it gets saved on your device and your computer so there's more space for more recordings.

That way I can watch Columbo, Supergirl and anything else anytime. I mean with the internet I can do that too but you can't always be online.

Which reminds me, is there Pocket for Firefox mobile? If so that would be amazing! Since it works offline as well!

Sigh. It bothers me greatly that I've heat, so to speak. I mean, I will not show this to anyone at all, so really I should be able to say that well...I am horny. Horny horny.

That is a funny word the more you say it. And it sounds like an ass's laugh.

Oi. Fuck me. Like. Really. Eat me out. I want her face is my cunt, you have no idea.

Last thoughts are less than pure let's just say that. Tee hee. 

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Drabble series: 11/21/2015

Oct 21st 2015-

Yesterday's drabble was short. And I was pissed. Not happy. And that was yesterday. After not having food. Then thank the Lord we did have food. And Mom came home and didn't have time to stay at the airport.

Now it's the day after. We have eaten. Are eating. And I'm gonna vlog. And I like I'm getting better. And I'm gonna blog. And I have been getting behind on what I have to do. Which is a lot.

But I will get through it. I have lots of ideas. And I have to sort through them and workshop them. I miss sex.

Or do I? Ugh. I have this ache because I feel bad. And I don't want to go through the effort of the nagging. And dang it, this is a depressing one.

Why am I always so intense? It's exhausting. I think it's because I'm just in my own head. And I did realize a lot of things. Like I am a floating head with a blob for a body I tend to check up once in a blue moon. I don't know if I can feel my middle. Like my head.

And I always felt that way. Like a walking blobhead. Now however, I am a bit more aware of my body. My neck and stomach are my most prominent features on my body.

Basically my upper body is there, but my legs are just muscles to hold me up.

My toes are dirty. And my nails. Like, constantly. :(

I want this blobhead to feel more alive. More human. More intellectually abd physically. This is totally a writing prompt.

And music is fun. Like ugh. I don't want to think.

Final thoughts: Sex is fun. You are just sad and confused and in need of a body. And acceptance. And precedence. And romance. You are going well. What do I like about myself? My voice. It sounds pleasant.
My mouth. It's small and cute.

I like my strength. I like being strong and imposing. I want to protect. Shield and sword. Rawr.

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Drabble series: 11/20/2015

Oct 20th

Food is good. A bit miffed about Air Canada but it will be ok. It always is. I'm kinda tired of this being ok. I want my day to be fantastic.

I hate my mom going to work hungry while I eat.

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Drabble series: 11/19/2015

October 19th drabble

I'm hungry. Not only in a physical sense. But in a spiritual and emotional sense as well. I am hungry for connection and success and life. I want to live life and let the world know it every day.

I live for God. Jesus is my homeboy. He keeps me up. He keeps me alive. I can do anything through he who strengthens me. I have a dream. A dream that has been neglected for too long.  I do and I don't want to hide it anymore. I want to eat peaches and strawberries. With some nuts and cheeses. I want to be healthy. I want to eat canteloupe. And I'm not a big fan for some reason. Grapefruit. Oh my godd. Grapefruit. Oranges. Peaches. Prunes. Potatoes. Carrots. Spinach. Goat cheese. Cheddar. Black bean pepper jack cheese.  Grapes.

I want to film it all. I am tired of hiding. I have never thought about it but I want to film everything from now on. Document it. Edit it. I need to get better. I want to be self-sufficient. I want to be my own business person.

Mom has been saying it and I have been doing it but now it needs to be out of the way. It needs to be done.

I need to promote myself. My scripts. My camera operation. My producing. I need to be active. I want to be active. I want to thrive, not just survive.

I just want a husband. And children. Like. I could choose passion over family; passion. Ok. Passion about family. At the same time I'm not there yet. I'm still growing. I haven't found a man to love yet. To have a family with. And who says you can't mix passion and family? That can be done. Have it all. Handsome, God-fearing, kind, good-natured, an inhuman being blessed by God.

Why is it that's how all the men I make up are? Like, sweet, gullible and soft? Basically Jack Mcbrayer.

I want to bike. I want to look good. I want to be good. I want to feel good. Yeah, I want to cook. I need to learn how.

Final thoughts: I will eating tomorrow. And I will be enjoying it. I will be filming tomorrow. I will be writing tomorrow. Oh yeah! I love love love Yulin Kuang, Shipwrecked Comedy, Couple-ish, and the new Transmedia wave that enables fan-creator relationships and dynamics. KitR was superb. I just. Yes to everything. Which reminds me to update on Wild Echoes.

And script. Love, life, loss. And Air Force One. And the Drifter. I think that will be enough on your personal projects.

Along with teaching yourself how to edit and practice. There is no deadline.

Be the person you know you can be. You are in good hands. You are in great hands.

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Drabble series: 11/15/2015

October 15th 2015-

Today's drabble. I had a good day at work. Guests like me. Of course I felt like going home every frickin minute. But then I finally did so and so I'm home at last.

And I wrote a bit more of my script today. Which is really act one of three and I'm barely done because I have to rewrite it. In fact, I want to have my projects immediately done. Guarantee. I don't want to stall anymore.

I know what's its like to stall. I don't like it. And I want to work on it. So many things I want to work on.

And I mean projects.

I want to work on being self-sufficient. Camera work, editing, producing and promoting. Which are all things needed to market good media.

I need my driver's, safety permit and my two courses. Then work my way up to the production office. Either that or join the writer's Guild while working in the DGC.

I need to beef up my skills with camera operation, at least basic editing, production, scriptwriting and promotion.

What else happened today? I felt like my prayers work. At work, I was at peace. Mostly. I was calm. Ok, I blabbed to Terri. And I know who I was with. I have to keep my mouth shut. I have to keep vigilant with what I say. It'll get me in a tizzy and in a mood and I'm already sensitive. I don't like Rickey. At least Ken is consistent and he's formal so yeah you feel awkward and intimidated but he isn't weird about it. But Rickey is just an asshole. He's "nice" after he blows shit up. Actually he always rebukes me. He's frankly abrasive. Some of my thoughts on him were less than sane to be honest. It included castration and frustration. Ugh. It wasn't pretty. Like. What the Frick.

I'm sorry Rickey but you can go fuck yourself.

I also liked the guest's complimenting me. It's rather bittersweet because I don't like working there anymore. It's always the guests and the customer experience that makes you stay.

Although at the same time, you have those who are great and those who cut you off; and I'm repeating your order so you can get it right as you want. If I tell you what's on your burger, that's because I want to be sure if its what you want. And Mark was a butt today. Like I do notice that if I'm not in the mood to laugh with you, then I will shut you down.

No, I don't give much of a shit about people. Ugh. At least in film, you have one job. And you are needed. You are all part of a great whole. And most of the time, its static and dynamic at once. You often have to wait in one place for one scene and amazingly, its a millisecond of a scene.

A whole day is barely frames.

Last thought: keep on keeping on. Calgary Inferno! I would love to watch the game. I am actually excited about the game. And I want to work on set. And darn it, drive. And travel. And kiss. And I want to party but if I can actually celebrate something. These days I would rather be on set. Or working. Like actively. And I want to be disciplined. Like. In all the things.

I want to release a short every 6 months! I want to blow up my Instagram! I want to have my own viewing party! Like I want my life to be in complete videos!

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Drabble series: 11/14/2015

Wednesday October 14th 2015

Knowing me knowing you, there is nothing we can do...

It's so melodic. And fun. And guitars. And insert sounds here. Fascinating really. And depressing. And airgh. All the things. I'm afraid of effort. I think. Actually, no. My biggest fear has always been with waking up next to a man. Or rather, waking up and realizing that I should be with a man. Like, I remember that was a vague eA reoccurring nightmare of sorts.  And I don't remember why. Was it because my base impulses were heterosexual at its core? Was it God tuning into my deepest darkest desires?

Actually, I guess my most obvious one is making love to a woman and having her come all over my face. Fuck that's hot. And intimate.

The idea of a blowjob disgusts me. But not gonna lie, slightly intrigues. I have to admit that I don't like men. Not sexually. And I don't want a man's attentions. I won't feel I'm enough to give it back to him.

But with God, all things are possible.

Or was it me? Afraid of the outcome of my devious homosexual lifestyle. That quite frankly I am romanticizing. Because at the end of the day, all romance doesn't erase the fear of telling your mother something you're not quite sure of. And love is something I'm not sure I know. Love is socially constructed.

I'm afraid of having my heart broken at the core. I think that something I acknowledge I'm aware of that fear. So put the effort in God. And he will bring someone into your life. That's the answer.

It can't be a woman. You can't have children with a woman. But with a man, you can have happiness and prosperity, with children and companionship. And best of all, you will feel good in your heart.

You will be in a good place.

I also don't want to end up hitting my head on the same rock forever. I want to be stable and active and work. Be productive, be happy and be healthy.

And with film and Media, I'm not ashamed in admitting that I want the glory, I want the fame. I want kids to be telling my name. I want the power of influence and people crying over my fiction. That's power and influence. I couldn't care less about stars. Because it's power is really behind the scenes. It's how your build them, how you brand them. How you portray yourself.

Sharon Belle. I had a dream I kissed Sharon Belle. And fuck, it was slow at first but then I swear, her tongue was in and I was like "Danny", which is terrible at the same time because is it like do I like you Sharon or who you portray and obviously I like her because have you seen her face and her mannerisms.

But damn it, I would not say no to a night with Annie Briggs.

And Sophia Walker is my Menace. My Black Cat.

I have so many thoughts. Oi. I want Love, Life, loss to be a thing. Like a film. Or a pilot. Preferably a film though.

Brandon is a douchebag but you feel for him. Edie is at her happiest and at her scariest. Gywneth is down in the dumps and she is scared adn hurt. Mostly hurt. And perceptive. And she and Brandon are fuck buddies after the script.

Ashton is a douchebag too. But a sly douchebag. His brother's broody. He is plotty and sweet and assholish.

Gillian is a light of sunshine, especially when shit gets tough.

Nathan is a poor, growing boy who doesn't know how to express himself.

These are all awkward young people trying to make something of themselves and the world is throwing them bones. And rocks. And storms.

Final thoughts:

Love. Life. Loss. Could be a thing. It could be turned into another thing. But just keep at it. Keep at it. Don't quit. Don't stop. Baby don't stop. The B-52 had a great song. Love shack.

Also, Gay. Queer. Fluid-ish. No label. May-homo? Queermo. Wanna get to heaven though. Naked women are beautiful. Then again I'm just narcisstic maybe. Probably.

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Drabble series: 11/13/2015

Oct 13th 2015

"Why am I quiet again? Am I really quiet? No no. I want to stop myself from screaming and biting someone's head off. Also my period is starting so it kinda makes sense. And ok xar, that's a good word. I shall keep if.

And these are my words. I am pissed off that Toniann is being ousted so shittily. I want God to strike Ken down. But then again, that's not how that worksm. He will avenger her wrong and give her something better. He will give me something better. I want an office job.

Or actually, I want to work on set. I want to be in a thriving environment where I get feedback and learn. I want to play badminton. I want to try MMA. Just to get over all the sexual innuendo out of the game. Because I swear Teppuu is just one big sexpost fest disguised as fighting.

I have 6 minutes. And counting.

Last thoughts: Oi. Keep writing. Done stop. Don't be afraid. God has not given you a spirit of fear and timidity, but of love, power and a sound mind.

You are beautiful. And awesome. And you will thrive. You are ok. You will be a better place. Learn to be better. Accept critique. Learn and evolve." 

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Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Wayback Wednesday: Drabbles and Vloggles of Years Past

Hi everyone,

It's been even a longer while then thought. 

I've been...busy. Doing. Working. Living.

And my life has gotten me all the way back to Montreal. 

So to celebrate that and see how far I've been able to collect my thoughts in the last couple of years, let me post my drabbles.

When I was in Calgary and then went back to Vancouver briefly, I tried to create my best sense of consistency. I felt for the longest time that I hadn't done nor created something concretely. 

So I forced myself for a time for a little bit every day to film a thought. To write a thought. 

What came out of them were these. 

Below you'll see what I was able to save. And I mention save because I had TRIED to recover them from my phone and was able to get a bit, but there was quite a lot lost due to my carelessness. 

But still, from October 2015 to about October 2016, I was creative. To a certain degree. Or at the very least expressive. These are my most private thoughts and names and feelings will not be omittted. 

These were my headspace and thoughts once upon a time. And I'm fond of looking back and seeking what I felt, what I did and who exactly I wanted to be at that point. 

As I'm writing this, I'm still trying to figure that out. Mold myself, shape myself, create something out of this robot. 

If you ever stumble upon this though and ask yourself questions, remember at least this; 

You are good. You are great. You are ok. You will be good. You will be great. You will be ok. 

I also apologize for the long-term ghosting. 

I'll come out from the shadows soon. 

But I do occasionally try to light up on the Instagram here: My Insta Sista

This will be added onto the masterlist of course and this will be archived. 

Catch you all on the Flipside for now.




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