Spasms of free thought

"It's the place where something's happening...though you may or may not be willing to watch it."

Friday, June 16, 2017

Drabble series: 11/14/2015

Wednesday October 14th 2015

Knowing me knowing you, there is nothing we can do...

It's so melodic. And fun. And guitars. And insert sounds here. Fascinating really. And depressing. And airgh. All the things. I'm afraid of effort. I think. Actually, no. My biggest fear has always been with waking up next to a man. Or rather, waking up and realizing that I should be with a man. Like, I remember that was a vague eA reoccurring nightmare of sorts.  And I don't remember why. Was it because my base impulses were heterosexual at its core? Was it God tuning into my deepest darkest desires?

Actually, I guess my most obvious one is making love to a woman and having her come all over my face. Fuck that's hot. And intimate.


The idea of a blowjob disgusts me. But not gonna lie, slightly intrigues. I have to admit that I don't like men. Not sexually. And I don't want a man's attentions. I won't feel I'm enough to give it back to him.

But with God, all things are possible.

Or was it me? Afraid of the outcome of my devious homosexual lifestyle. That quite frankly I am romanticizing. Because at the end of the day, all romance doesn't erase the fear of telling your mother something you're not quite sure of. And love is something I'm not sure I know. Love is socially constructed.

I'm afraid of having my heart broken at the core. I think that something I acknowledge I'm aware of that fear. So put the effort in God. And he will bring someone into your life. That's the answer.

It can't be a woman. You can't have children with a woman. But with a man, you can have happiness and prosperity, with children and companionship. And best of all, you will feel good in your heart.

You will be in a good place.

I also don't want to end up hitting my head on the same rock forever. I want to be stable and active and work. Be productive, be happy and be healthy.

And with film and Media, I'm not ashamed in admitting that I want the glory, I want the fame. I want kids to be telling my name. I want the power of influence and people crying over my fiction. That's power and influence. I couldn't care less about stars. Because it's power is really behind the scenes. It's how your build them, how you brand them. How you portray yourself.

Sharon Belle. I had a dream I kissed Sharon Belle. And fuck, it was slow at first but then I swear, her tongue was in and I was like "Danny", which is terrible at the same time because is it like do I like you Sharon or who you portray and obviously I like her because have you seen her face and her mannerisms.

But damn it, I would not say no to a night with Annie Briggs.

And Sophia Walker is my Menace. My Black Cat.

I have so many thoughts. Oi. I want Love, Life, loss to be a thing. Like a film. Or a pilot. Preferably a film though.

Brandon is a douchebag but you feel for him. Edie is at her happiest and at her scariest. Gywneth is down in the dumps and she is scared adn hurt. Mostly hurt. And perceptive. And she and Brandon are fuck buddies after the script.

Ashton is a douchebag too. But a sly douchebag. His brother's broody. He is plotty and sweet and assholish.

Gillian is a light of sunshine, especially when shit gets tough.

Nathan is a poor, growing boy who doesn't know how to express himself.

These are all awkward young people trying to make something of themselves and the world is throwing them bones. And rocks. And storms.

Final thoughts:

Love. Life. Loss. Could be a thing. It could be turned into another thing. But just keep at it. Keep at it. Don't quit. Don't stop. Baby don't stop. The B-52 had a great song. Love shack.


Also, Gay. Queer. Fluid-ish. No label. May-homo? Queermo. Wanna get to heaven though. Naked women are beautiful. Then again I'm just narcisstic maybe. Probably.



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