Drabble series: 11/30/2015

Oct 29th 2015-

I was supposed to blog today. I am doing so now.

Ok. Actually it's a Friday morning blog and I will likely still do a Friday blog but anywho.

I feel very hollow at times. I have no friends. Not in the sense that I'm unimportant or unattached. But I feel strangely selfish. Karol sent me a postcard though. And she's the only one.

No one else did.

See this train of thought is stupid. Next I appreciate my friends for their emotional support and comfort and their friendship. It's not in material things that will disappear but in the affection and time you care and show. And I've been shown that. And I value that. I value my strong emotional ties with the people I met.

We don't walk and talk all day, but that doesn't mean we're not talking or we're not thinking about each other. Though I think that I'm bad at keeping people in my life. I only want them when it suits me. But then is it strangely how that works? Your friends are your source of selfishness of desire, of being recognized and acknowledged.

Alone is the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes I feel it. But it just might be my thoughts not doing what I want.

Sometimes I don't know what I want. And I don't feel ok with that. Like yesterday, at work. Had I left early, I would've lost hours in the few that I had. And the store would've been a cashier less. Sure it slowed down but then its stiff these days.

I'm straight. I love dick. Yum yum yum. Blowjobs are amazing and I want them all the time. Like this blows. And all the sexual euphemisms are just amazeballs.

Honestly I'm disgusted by dick. Like the hypersexualization of the penis makes me sick.

I want more queer stories. Like, more sweet romantic first times. More hardy party fun times. More drama to break the prescribed gender binary and the definition of what female and male means.

Like, gosh. I guess I want my stories told. Because most of mine were pretty cool over all. You had drama, romance, friendships, break-ups, crying, all the works.

I also just want an easy life. God franf me the easy life and grant me a husband and child.

And then I think. Not really. That could be a play.

And then there's me. I'm not making life easy for myself.

I also want to go on a date. Like a cute romantic date. And then I think of the actual reality.

I can't act.

I get nervous. I had a breakdown. When I can't get through something, I try to get out of it. Awkwardly I might add.

But I'll be ok. I'm pretty sure I'm getting there.

I think I was sad today because I didn't get to blog. I distracted myself. And I want to be at my fullest. And I don't want change. I want fun and work.

At least in media, when there's a conflict, you will not be butting heads often. But at smashburger, Ricky is always there.

Ready to press buttons.

Like, character-wise, he's a great antagonist. Charming, biting, nitpicky and selectively intimidated. He's an asshole and isn't even polite. Not after a time.

Like sabotage is his thing.

He's the power-hungry and friendly one to those he likes. So basically he taunts and apologizes to get you to shut up. He doesn't mean it. He's dismissive and abrasive.

If he was a video game villain, he would so much fun to beat.

Last thought: Saturday! editing! Oh my gosh! I am annoyed. At being bad. So I need to refresh my memory tomorrow! Be ready! Phillipians 4:13!

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