Spasms of free thought

"It's the place where something's happening...though you may or may not be willing to watch it."

Sunday, December 30, 2018

2019...ish

...Why watch the Lone Ranger when I can take the time to reflect on my career.

I mean, what career?

Creatively, my biggest success has been objectively Queens Creations.

And I'm pretty happy about it. I can tell I'm happy about it.

Everything else seems far away. Adam's apple is second, but otherwise that's it.

So I thought I was supposed to have this overdue diatribe about how the one thing I did of substance this year was that, but then to top it off...

I also did Concordia Transitions. For money. Like, I thought I had gained enough subject to really take a look at a paid gig.

And to this day, I still felt like this was a giant mess of a deal. I blew half the money and I'm pretty sure that I fucked up. And they just cut me off.

And then there was Air Canada. From February to August, I pretty much had my life already decided and yes, I didn't think I'd get it.

But God gave it to me, because there had been slivers. There had been moments. Margins. Almosts.

But nope, here I am and here I am planning. No, dreaming to fly.

Today's thought is going to an assortment of feeling and thought because at the end of the day it always is. And I can see myself within the words and I can hear myself and I want more.

I didn't do that much. I got a new job. I helped with Queens Creations. And also, yes, I was on a podcast.

I saw Vera for a bit. I made new friends. And the whole I learnt about myself thing because wow there's a lot I can do for money.

But here I am looking back at 2018. Which yes, felt like a longass year.

And yet it's over in the blink of an eye in a mere 24 hours.

Was this part of a longer series of looking back? Who knows but I'm in a good place.

Because I can see the tomorrow.

So now there's just the effort to put in yourself to try and stick with the thing. Because that's all that's left. This here. This is something that even though it seems "effortless" it is a fucking load of work and vulnerability. And that's where I need to go next. Go where I'm afraid to go and brave the other side.

See you on the Flipside.

Suzanne Helen James

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