Spasms of free thought

"It's the place where something's happening...though you may or may not be willing to watch it."

Saturday, October 16, 2021

Slideback Saturday: November 2nd 2015

 Nov 2nd 2015-


First new Monday of the month. November is a gateway month to December. And gosh darn it, I am just excited! I went in the mall today and it just felt soo nice!


But I'm not gonna lie, it would be nicer if they had plugins so I didn't have to come all the way to the library.


Although...to be honest. If I want to really work on my things and I mean, really work on it, the library is the best place to do it.


It's quiet and there WiFi. I think I will take time to actively implement coming here to work on my stuff. Because I need quiet and no distractions. I need focus. 


And I read a few of my earlier drabbles and rants earlier this year. To my surprise I have yearned for a mixture of similar things time and time again; self-esteem, focus and belief in myself and best of all, my disgust at the human penis. 


Like I'm so gay I can't even right now. And I was struggling to express myself and to be focussed and productive.


But sometimes I do think that you learn homosexuality. As if its in something you're used to then its something you learn. Now of course this is innately wrong, but I do believe that everything is taught. And actually, that's my big thing.


One has to be taught how to do something. Or they pick it up as they go along. But it is all a brain mechanism anyway. Pick up, learn, practice. Repeat. 


So to be honest, one of the greatest passions of my life has revolved around art and Media, ie, drawing and writing. 


I didn't really want to learn how to draw. I just did it and didn't take the time to practice really. I didn't really make myself into something.


I was and always will be a brain. A brainy blob with legs. And that's all. I was parka girl. I was introverted, I was clumsy, I was quiet. I was reserved. 


Now I'm slightly different but still the same in some aspects. Except I am trying to change the static part of me. 


Mom always resented me on my not being dynamic. But I want to be dynamic. I want to be active. I know I can be. I have to create the circumstances for my activity. My dynamics. 


I can't let the world make excuses. It doesn't care. But I care. I have to stay in the good and happy state of mind. 


I was at NUTV and I was sad today. A little bit. They were having fun. That could've been me in there with them. 


Then again I haven't been involved since Smashburger and I've let it be an excuse. Of course I shouldn't have. 


I won't. You know what will happen if I just let the world slip? I'll slip too.


Ok! Ok! Let's write this! Let's be the best me I can be! 


Also, email Antonio!


Last thoughts: It's sleeting actually, not snowing. And if it was cold. I would definitely know about it. Rather, I would feel it!


Write a prompt each day! And read it aloud! Or do it once a week! And read if aloud! Why are you doing what you're doing? Act! Breathe! Be! Laugh! Be! In the moment! Slow! Down! No! Rush! 


I do have to meet Esther is 15 minutes though. Ack, the rush. Always rush. Sigh. Punctuality is a strange one. It's a strength but it can be a personal weakness because there's just memory and no reason to it!


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