Slideback Saturday: November 2nd 2015

 Nov 2nd 2015-

First new Monday of the month. November is a gateway month to December. And gosh darn it, I am just excited! I went in the mall today and it just felt soo nice!

But I'm not gonna lie, it would be nicer if they had plugins so I didn't have to come all the way to the library.

Although...to be honest. If I want to really work on my things and I mean, really work on it, the library is the best place to do it.

It's quiet and there WiFi. I think I will take time to actively implement coming here to work on my stuff. Because I need quiet and no distractions. I need focus. 

And I read a few of my earlier drabbles and rants earlier this year. To my surprise I have yearned for a mixture of similar things time and time again; self-esteem, focus and belief in myself and best of all, my disgust at the human penis. 

Like I'm so gay I can't even right now. And I was struggling to express myself and to be focussed and productive.

But sometimes I do think that you learn homosexuality. As if its in something you're used to then its something you learn. Now of course this is innately wrong, but I do believe that everything is taught. And actually, that's my big thing.

One has to be taught how to do something. Or they pick it up as they go along. But it is all a brain mechanism anyway. Pick up, learn, practice. Repeat. 

So to be honest, one of the greatest passions of my life has revolved around art and Media, ie, drawing and writing. 

I didn't really want to learn how to draw. I just did it and didn't take the time to practice really. I didn't really make myself into something.

I was and always will be a brain. A brainy blob with legs. And that's all. I was parka girl. I was introverted, I was clumsy, I was quiet. I was reserved. 

Now I'm slightly different but still the same in some aspects. Except I am trying to change the static part of me. 

Mom always resented me on my not being dynamic. But I want to be dynamic. I want to be active. I know I can be. I have to create the circumstances for my activity. My dynamics. 

I can't let the world make excuses. It doesn't care. But I care. I have to stay in the good and happy state of mind. 

I was at NUTV and I was sad today. A little bit. They were having fun. That could've been me in there with them. 

Then again I haven't been involved since Smashburger and I've let it be an excuse. Of course I shouldn't have. 

I won't. You know what will happen if I just let the world slip? I'll slip too.

Ok! Ok! Let's write this! Let's be the best me I can be! 

Also, email Antonio!

Last thoughts: It's sleeting actually, not snowing. And if it was cold. I would definitely know about it. Rather, I would feel it!

Write a prompt each day! And read it aloud! Or do it once a week! And read if aloud! Why are you doing what you're doing? Act! Breathe! Be! Laugh! Be! In the moment! Slow! Down! No! Rush! 

I do have to meet Esther is 15 minutes though. Ack, the rush. Always rush. Sigh. Punctuality is a strange one. It's a strength but it can be a personal weakness because there's just memory and no reason to it!

Full List here

Flashback Friday: Oct 30 2015

 Oct 30th 2015-

Sigh. Back from work at last. Today was an interesting day. Like actually. I didn't feel like crying. I just went through the motions.

I learned about Ken today. It just helps me confirm how...sweet he is. And how crappy I've been. I ignored him and straight up lied. I have been receiving his calls. Didn't respond to them. But then he sounded like he was really worried. And I'm sure he was. 

Oh boo. Said from the guy who ignores my call from the day we opened. But I'm sure it was an accident. Or he just honestly forgot. And I kinda feel bad now. So I will respond to him. 

And now to talk about more bittersweet things. Like I'm pretty sure this time last year I was going over to Jeremy's place for his party. And I saw Geoffrey and Clayton and invited Vera and Colleen and found out Sean had a crush on me? 

And the last time I saw Jeremy's dad. :( May he rest in peace. Joey was a great dad. I was a punkette-ish.

I dunno. I tried to dress up without looking the part. It was cool. It was fun.

Now it's all sad. Because that was a year ago. Time went by so fast. 

Now I'm in Calgary. The scenery isn't beautiful up close. I have a part-time fast food job. But I got time to build experience and make a name for myself in media. And I'm going to keep going. And I will arm myself until I can go wherever I please and give something instead of taking it.

I'm not gonna lie; I'd like to see Toronto. Vancouver for school and friends, Calgary for friends and projects, but darn it, Toronto is at the center of all the action. Or at least if seems to. I'm intrigued.

And my mother is the happiest I've ever seen her. At least she's better now than back in Vancouver. 

And I'm ok. I'm lonely a bit sexually, I'm frustrated too spiritually but I'm aware that its me. I'm not at my peak point. My spirituality is pretty weak. 

I have to learn at working at myself. Slow down. Learn. I've never quite done that. Actuy never. I'm rushing and dismissing and leisurely getting my way or settling. I've squandered my way through my talk and my writing for the longest while. 

And it's costing me. 

I'm sad because I don't feel good enough in anything and that's not good. I don't know what I can say I'm good at. Everything has to be learned and practiced. Do it for yourself. Be best for yourself. God don't burn me. God don't leave me alone. He won't, or if he is it's for a reason. 

Final cut. I have to do my final cut. I have to get discipline. I've grown into someone who works outside for results. Not working for herself. 

Last thoughts: Weekend. New weeks. New me. New habits. You're ok. Remember that. You will be healthy. Active. Hungry.

Drabble List here

See you on the Flipside of Forever (2009-2021)

 Hello world.

We've been on this reflective road for quite some time, haven't we? It feels like forever ago when we had creative ambitions. We aimed to rule the world and share our interests and follies. 

Well, this is my final post on this blog. 

Rather, I think this will be the last time I want to write to you in such a way.

For the longest time, I held you up as a sign of half life and death and as a receptacle of my feelings towards the world at the time, though you didn't hold all of my feelings no. 

And now, I'm in a much different place than when this was first started. 

Creatively, my ambition is barely beginning as I've been blessed with friends and castmates to release an awesome webseries that will see the light of day and there will be so much more where that came from. 

Socially, I'm thriving with friends and building new members of my found family though we are scattered physically. 

However, in other spheres, significant life events have me mourning and grieving for the first time. 

And in my head, at the least for the time being, I welcome that space, that opportunity, that change. 

By the end of this year, I will be alone. While yes I am ultimately unencumbered and free to speak and choose for myself in all my decisions, I will be facing a big adjustment and I am...weary of my emotions. They will overwhelm me. But in time, they will pass. 

I guess this post is really just...I'm gonna try and write more things like this just elsewhere. I'll post the rest of my drabbles and vlogs too but this is effectively kaput. You've been good to me and now it's time to set you down in peace. 

Cheers, 

Suzanne