Flashback Friday: Oct 30 2015

 Oct 30th 2015-

Sigh. Back from work at last. Today was an interesting day. Like actually. I didn't feel like crying. I just went through the motions.

I learned about Ken today. It just helps me confirm how...sweet he is. And how crappy I've been. I ignored him and straight up lied. I have been receiving his calls. Didn't respond to them. But then he sounded like he was really worried. And I'm sure he was. 

Oh boo. Said from the guy who ignores my call from the day we opened. But I'm sure it was an accident. Or he just honestly forgot. And I kinda feel bad now. So I will respond to him. 

And now to talk about more bittersweet things. Like I'm pretty sure this time last year I was going over to Jeremy's place for his party. And I saw Geoffrey and Clayton and invited Vera and Colleen and found out Sean had a crush on me? 

And the last time I saw Jeremy's dad. :( May he rest in peace. Joey was a great dad. I was a punkette-ish.

I dunno. I tried to dress up without looking the part. It was cool. It was fun.

Now it's all sad. Because that was a year ago. Time went by so fast. 

Now I'm in Calgary. The scenery isn't beautiful up close. I have a part-time fast food job. But I got time to build experience and make a name for myself in media. And I'm going to keep going. And I will arm myself until I can go wherever I please and give something instead of taking it.

I'm not gonna lie; I'd like to see Toronto. Vancouver for school and friends, Calgary for friends and projects, but darn it, Toronto is at the center of all the action. Or at least if seems to. I'm intrigued.

And my mother is the happiest I've ever seen her. At least she's better now than back in Vancouver. 

And I'm ok. I'm lonely a bit sexually, I'm frustrated too spiritually but I'm aware that its me. I'm not at my peak point. My spirituality is pretty weak. 

I have to learn at working at myself. Slow down. Learn. I've never quite done that. Actuy never. I'm rushing and dismissing and leisurely getting my way or settling. I've squandered my way through my talk and my writing for the longest while. 

And it's costing me. 

I'm sad because I don't feel good enough in anything and that's not good. I don't know what I can say I'm good at. Everything has to be learned and practiced. Do it for yourself. Be best for yourself. God don't burn me. God don't leave me alone. He won't, or if he is it's for a reason. 

Final cut. I have to do my final cut. I have to get discipline. I've grown into someone who works outside for results. Not working for herself. 

Last thoughts: Weekend. New weeks. New me. New habits. You're ok. Remember that. You will be healthy. Active. Hungry.

Drabble List here