The Cruellest of Midnight Ephiphanies

((Here on the Masterpost))

The cruellest of midnight epiphanies

(a.k.a. A freakin, shockin, S.M.A.C.K.!)

A one-shot written by Suzanne Helen James

Rating: T+ (mild language, innuendo)

Genre: comedy, satire, drama, aside, monologue

(Scene opens with Lillian sleeping on the couch, with her back facing the audience. Soon, mumbles are heard; they get louder and a name is more or less uttered. Lillian, in her moans, rolls off the couch and crashes on the floor. Now completely or at least, half-awake, Lillian groans and still on the floor, looks up towards the audience.)

Lillian: I think that God hates me. Despises me. He utterly abhors every fiber of this sinful being. Or, it could be worse; it could the devil who adores me. Who just loves to tug at my strings and laugh as I, his mindless puppet, dance for him, night after night after night…Although, this could also just be a figment of my imagination that the depths of my own crazy, twisted and perverted self has created in order to try and tell my sleeping subconscious something…me, Lillian Anderson. Me, a 2^nd year at Shaggington college…me, a very happy, very loving spouse of 3 years to my beloved Victor “Vicky” Wong…for the past 3 years!!! I mean, come on!!! I’m your “average Jane”, the laid-back kid who’s willing to go the extra mile to make YOU happy!! I’m your middle achiever, majoring in history, minoring in theatre!! I do the damn-dibbity best at what I’m good at!!!

So why is this happening to me? I mean ME? This shouldn’t be happening to me; normally, under normal circumstances, it wouldn’t be happening to me. Thus, this is clearly not normal. This…dilemma, this… psycho-abnormality…this self-questioning phase isn’t common. Isn’t normal. This…problem, which has been festering and scrounging in my brain for the past month alone, is NOT socially normal…

At least, for people like me, mind you.

BY people like me, I do mean good-hearted, holy-devoted-to-our-lord-Jesus-and-God, happy and “normal”-type people; said good-hearted, holy-devoted-to-our-lord-Jesus-and-God, happy, peaceful and “normal” person wouldn’t even have the time of day to even ask themselves such a ridiculous question! (laughs) Why would they? They would normally be occupied at doing other things, much more important things...than to get preoccupied over a miniscule, tiddy, little, run-out-of-the-mill, average, silly, itty-bitty like this…(that somebody just had to ask outta the blue like that)

“Am I gay?”

And before any initial conclusion is drawn, the answer to that is easy, simple and again, very very simple; it’s no. So then one would naturally ask “why the question”? I seem to defend very eagerly that I am not of the same-sex persuasion, so I shouldn’t even be concerned about the question itself…I’ve been feeling great with Vicky for the past 3 years, so that should mean something! It’s hot! We’re hot! It’s intense! We’re intense! It’s cool…we’re cool! It’s awesome, we’re awesome!!

(slight pause as Lillian, having walked and rambled incessantly around the room, sighs and flops back into the couch.)

…Well, all things were going rather good until Jennifer Sekiguchi came back into my life. (bites her lip and takes a bottle from the table) I mean, we weren’t very close, we were…okay…Knew each other in high school, then drifted apart, blah blah blah…then, speak of the devil, she shows up last year! Here! At my post-secondary institution! And before you know, we’re good old girlfriends again! (laughs and swallows) Nothing wrong! Absolutely nothing! My heart wasn’t beating or anything, I wasn’t stealing short glances and I wasn’t thinking about her as much as I did now!

But then, the piece de resistance. Boys, keep your ears wide open for this one. Keep your hands outta your pants too while you’re at it.

Alright, so imagine this; it’s the weekend, we’re studying into the night. Sounds good so far. I’m helping her with a test, since I was in her class the year before. Again, nothing of importance. A few hours into studying, we’re plum-tuck tired; then Jenny dearest brings out a few “buzz bottles” to revitalize; I don’t drink them. At first…(swallows again and giggles slightly)

Then in the melee of it all, we had a…smooch? (No, no, not good.) Mashing of lips? (no, no, too juicy.) A small, passionate pucker? (Nah,. Nah, just won’t do.) (sighs and inhales deeply) Let’s just say we had a very, very, VERY brief make out session. Boys can cheer for that, cause nothing else happened after that, let me tell you right then and now!!!

(licks lips and smirks as she gulps last bit of drink) But lemme tell you that it WAS something special…(a slight pause as Lillian realizes her slip-up and groans, slamming the bottle down on the ground as the stage dims and Lillian leaves the stage.)

My big brother's secret

Masterpost Here

My big brother's secret

(a.k.a. A Southwestern romance)

An updated dialogue-turned-script by Suzanne Helen James

For Ms. Maguire's Creative Writing 12

Kitsilano Secondary School

(Simeon is in his room, furiously writing something. The always curious Clarissa, his little sister, suddenly comes in the room to bother him, especially in his most crucial moments of concentration. This is one of them.)

Clarissa: “...What are ya doin', big brother Simeon? Ya seemed so con-cen-trated, I just had to let myself in.”

Simeon: “That's “concentrated”. And get out, I'm writin'. Could ya leave me alone this time? I'm really busy an' this is somethin' really important.”

Clarissa: “Hmm. 'Kay then. (She hasn't moved away, but instead has moved to his desk side. Simeon moves his elbow down to block her view) Can I see what you're writin', big brother Simeon?”

Simeon: “No. You ain't gonna be seein' it anytime soon either, so get on' leavin'.”

Clarissa: “Alright then, I'm leavin'...But why can't I read it, big brother?? Why can't I?”

Simeon: “It ain't ready yet.”

Clarissa: “What do you mean, 'it ain't ready yet'?”

Simeon: “It's like I said...it ain't ready yet!”

Clarissa: “Are you writin' somethin' for somebody?”

(Silence for a little bit. Simeon doesn't give an immediate answer and doesn't look at Clarissa, but quickly retorts...)

Simeon: “...Maybe...anyways, get on goin', or else I'm gon' get you.”

Clarissa: “...Kay then. (Still hasn't moved.) Who're you writing it to?”

Simeon: “Not tellin' you a dang word.”

Clarissa: “Aww, come onnnn! Who you writin' it to, Big brother Simeonnnn??”

Simeon: “Get it through your lil wormin' head, I ain't tellin' you none o' it, 'kay? Now get on leavin' me 'fore I give one to ya!”

Clarissa: “Well, alright then. But I'm not stoppin' till you tell me who you're writin' to!”

Simeon: “Oh really? Well you can go 'head and try all ya like, but you ain't gettin' a thing from me.”

Clarissa: “Really? You ain't gon' tell me a dang thing, Big brother Simeon?”

Simeon: “Yeah. Not a god-given dang thing. Now vamoose an' get 'fore I do somethin' mean and big to ya!”

Clarissa: “...Awww! I'm goin then...but first! Can't I even give a hootin' eye's guess who you gonna write it to, Big brother?”

Simeon: “...Again ya lil' maggot; you can try but you ain't gon' guess it!”

Clarissa: “Really? Ya sure o' that, Big brother Simeon? Not even if I try with all my might?”

Simeon: “...Yeah,yeah, yeah. Now get on' leavin now 'fore I really get angry and I'm forced to gettin' you outta 'ere by force, in other words, my big whoopin' fists!!!”

Clarissa: “...Welll...I'ma gonna try my luck anyway! Is sheeeeee....Is she someone I'd know from school?”

(...Exasperated and slightly miffed that Clarissa doesn't react to his threats as easily as she used to, Simeon rolls his eyes and turns around to ignore Clarissa. But like always, that's hard to do. Finally, he plays along, but still slips in a few more in to see if it'll do something to get her out faster.)

Simeon: “...She ain't in your grade, kay. Told ya you couldn't get it. Now get on leavin' before Big brother gets mad. And trust me; you've seen Big brother gettin' mad and you don't want it happenin' to you, now do ya?”

Clarissa: “Aww, grass nuggets! Lemme try again 'fore I leave though, 'kay? Issss sheeee...somebody from any other school that I'd know?”

Simeon: “...Goddamit, ya annoyin' little nut! She just ain't in your grade, 'kay? She's in mine! Mine, mine, mine! Now just beat it, ya lil varmint! Or else you're really gettin' me mad! You hearin' me? I'm about to get Hulkin' mean!”

The mischievious Clarissa is still next to Simeon's side, even with the threats. She continues on with her guesses, to Simeon's dismay.)

Clarissa:“...Hmmm! Big brother Simeon's swearin' again! (Pause.) Heyy! Is itttttt...Marsha Wilkins, that girl who's always lipsin' an' all that? Rumor was, recently she got 'er tooth chipped off from her daddy. Says she been kissin' them boys too much and got some spankin' and soap water for punishment...Mamaw ain't gon' do that to me when I'm outtin', is she? 'Sides, the only kissin' in the mouth I've done is Daddy...and I can't get soaped for that, can I? It's Daddy, no matter how weird it is!”

Simeon: “(sighs)...First off, ain't Marsha Wilkins that I'm writin' to. Secondly, no, Mamaw ain't gon' do that to ya. Except, maybe...the soap water thing. And thirdly...would ya mind gettin' on goin outta my room, ya lil bugger? You are seriously close to gettin' big brother mad!”

Clarissa: “.....Kay then...though I'ma give one more try, just to pry! Is itttttt....is it that Becky Donahue girl, the one's who's always hittin' people on the face? That girl always has a laugh that just reminds me of a big, bloatin' ass...with braces. You ever see that, big brother? An ass with braces? That's what I think Becky is. Or she might've been in another life...To think, God Almighty once made 'er into an ass with-”

Simeon: “No I haven't, ya lil rugnut! And no, Becky Donahue ain't the one I'm writin' to! Now get on and move outta my room 'fore I put one on ya like I ain't put on ya before!”

(As Simeon's anger escalates with the recurring list of threats, the little sister giggles and still stays put. Okay...maybe she hops back a foot, but otherwise she's still in the room and feels she's getting closer to finding the answer.)

Clarissa: “Hmm, hmm, hmm! Big brother's gettin' angry! (Pause.) Hey! I just thought o' somethin'! Don't folks say that girls hit ya when they like you? And Becky Donahue's been hittin' on you a lot lately, hasn't she? She always says that she wanna see ya after school, an big brother always goes with 'er! So how many times would Becky hit ya then?”

Simeon: “...”

Clarissa: “...Big brother ain't answerin' that question...”

Simeon: “...That's cause big brother don't wanna answer that question! Now get leavin' 'fore I stick one big one on ya like I ain't ever stick one on ya before! Go on, get!”

Clarissa: “Wait, wait, wait! Don't Becky Donahue have a twin sister? Ain't she the pretty, nicer one o' the two? Infact, she always gettin' ya lunch after Becky takes 'em away from you! And she always pats your back after Beck hits ya all the time!”

(....This time the silence has Simeon turning away from Clarissa, hands clasped behind his head. Hopping another step back, the little sister gets a bit closer to the door. She knows that she's practically figured it out. Preparing for her big finish, Clarissa steps backwords one more time.)

Simeon: “...”

Clarissa: “...Hey, Big brother ain't answerin' that question neither! But...I thought I was right 'bout Becky Donahue's sister! Ain't she the pretty one o' the two Donahue twins, with blonde hair an' shiny white teeth? I can tell that she's an actual girl! Ain't that her? I wanna know, I wanna knowwww! Big brother Simeon ain't answerin' that question and I wanna know!!!”

(Getting even closer towards losing the edge of reason, Simeon takes a deep breath and resists. He drops his head on the desk and lets out a defeated groan before grumbling a faint muffle of words under his breath. Then he finally raises his head and barely utters...)

Simeon: “...Yeah.”

Clarissa: “...Huh? Whazzat? Big brother Simeon said sumthin' but I couldn't hear it.”

Simeon: “...Yeah, Becky Donahue's got a sister. And er name's Dee-Dee. Now get on' outta here, ya lil snake. Ya got what you wanted, now make away an' get.”

Clarissa: “That's her? The one with the blonde hair?”

Simeon: “Yeah.”

Clarissa: “The one with the shiniest teeth in the whole wide world?”

Simeon: “...yeah.”

Clarissa: “The one who runs with ya to the nurse's office after you end up cryin' when Becky hits you?”

Simeon: “...Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now...can ya just get on with yur life an move on away from mine? I'm tryin' to write 'ere!”

Clarissa: “...So, was I right? Is big brother Simeon's writin' to Becky Donahue's twin sister, Dee-dee Donahue?”

Simeon: “....Get goin', I said.”

Clarissa: “So it is her, right, Big brother Simeon?”

Simeon: (Getting ready to attack Clarissa now, having been driven to his limits.) “...Yeah...now get the heck outta my room 'fore I deliver a whoopin' on ya like I ain't never whooped one on ya, you little son of a flick...Infact...I'ma gonna give one to ya right now, ya little monster! Come 'ere!”

(First giggling, then bursting in laughter, the triumphant Clarissa jumps away just in time to miss her brother's leaping towards her...blowing a rasberry as she slams the door in his face, she winces slightly as she hears the 'THUMP' of his face hitting the wood of his doorframe. Smirking to herself, Clarissa then skipps away while singing to herself...)

Clarissa: “Si-me-on-and-Dee-Dee sitt-in-on-a-tree...k-i-s-s-ing...first comes love...then comes marriage...and before you know it, whoops! Here's one-a comin' in a baby carriage!!” (Before leaving the stage, she yells to Mamaw)

Clarissa: “...Mamaw, Big brother Simeon's got a crush on Dee-Dee Donahue! If he kisses 'er like crazy, can you wash his mouth with soap an' chip his all o' his tooth off like Marsha's Daddy did her? An' he kept on threatenin' me! Can I get Daddy to put 'im in prison for attempted homicidin' on my person like for that other guy?! I want 'im to stay in jail till he's a hundred an' five, cuz I think he's really, really...dan-ger...(struggles with the word) dan-ge-rous! And toppin' it all off, he's still swearin' like...(she stops to think of something really good.) Big brother's still swearin' like a mad cowboy on shots o' gin! Can you spank im? Pleeeease??? He's really, really bad, Mamaw!!!”

Simeon: (on the floor, groaning...then yells) “Mamaw, don't you believe her! I am your one, good, god-given and educated nobel son! I demand that you take my side and not take an inch of what that...little creature there is tryin' to say bout me! I can honestly that She's the evil one! She could be growin' up a compulsive liar for all we know! Would you believe her drabbles over my honesty and good will? I think not! I suggest we take care of her before she's gettin' too hard to handle; the sooner, the better!”

Mom: (Doesn't come on stage, but we hear her voice loud and clear in the background.) “...For heavens's sake Clarissa, not again! How many times do I gotta tell you...we ain't puttin' your brother in jail, we ain't gon' chip his teeth off, an' he ain't dangerous! But! If I do hear anythin'...and I mean anythin', of a near damning expletive outta either, 'specially you, young Simeon...you're gon' be wishin' and prayin' that you HAD been in a prison cell after I'd be done with ya!! Now is that clear?”

The King of Everything

Masterpost Here

I'm the one, the only, the King…of Everything!”
A dialogue by Suzanne Helen James
Characters:
.King Cavalan Ernesto Edmond Duveau, Heir of Trudgar
.His assistant, Dymus the squire
.His honorable knight, Sir Armani Prada Helfer

(Scene opens with the king Cavalan and his squire, Dymus, on a horse. Cavalan is wearing a large, shiny new crown and he's holding a nice, large golden staff.)


Cavalan- “Well, goodie! I, the new King of Everything, shall now begin my reign!”

Dymus- “ALL HAIL HIS HIGHNESS! HE SHALL NOW BEGIN HIS REIGN!”

Cavalan- “All the peasants in the land shall now bow down before me!”

Dymus- “Ya hear that, all ya peasants in the land? You’ll be bowin’ down before your king!”

Cavalan- “And all you nobles, you other kings and you other queens…you will all bow down and proud to me, your new King…of Everything!”

Dymus- “That’s right, nobles! You too, will bow down and proud to your King..of everything! Bow down and proud!”

Cavalan- “…Ooh! Your new King has just found other beings to reign over! He is of course, the one…the only…the King Cavalan Edmond Duveau…of Trudgar!”

Dymus- “Ya hear that? That’s right! You mindless, insignificant and miniscule other beings! Rejoice for your newfound freedom within the reign of his highness, the one, the only the King Cavalan Edmond Duveau…of Trudgar!”

Cavalan- “Why Dymus! What beautiful and tyrannic speech-making! Your newly appointed King Cavalan is quite pleased! He is so happy with your performance…that he shall give you a reward! Dymus, lend your king your brain, for he would like to think of a reward for you!”

Dymus- “Well…all the reward I need is your words o blessings an’ nothin’ more! Nothin’ more shall be said now…though what’s this? Your new king is bein’ approached! Whoever ya are…would ya halt for the new King…of Everything!”

Cavalan- “Ahhh…yes, how can I forget? Little ants…little bugs…little grass…and little trees! Your newly appointed King of Everything has now stopped his horse trek! Swift execution shall be dealt to you if you fail to comply to my demands! And as your new King Cavalan Edmond Duveau of Trudgar, I demand utter obedience! Is that clear, my dear trees, my dear grass, my dear bugs and my dear ants?”

Dymus- “Ya hear that, ya fugly trees? Ya hear that, ya bucklin ants? Ya movin bugs? Your newly appointed King shall kill ya swiftly if you ain't obeyin' him!”

(The intruder in question is actually Cavalan's most loyal knight, Sir Armani Prada Helfer. Unfortunately, he brings to the gloating King bad news...he'll try to, anyway.)


Armani- “My lord!”

Cavalan- “Oh Dymus, look! My knight in shining armor, my beloved Armani, has come to watch me reign! Look, look, look! See how I have the trees, the bugs, the ants and even the grass at my feet and under my rule? Do tell him, Dymus! I know he wants to know…don’t you, Armani dear?”

Armani- “Ah! But sir…”

Cavalan- “Ah, ah, ahh! My Armani is now adressing his new King, who now has control over everything! And as ruler of everything, his highness requests that Armani close his pretty mouth and watch Dymus as he telsl you how I am the King of Everything!”

Armani- “But, sir…that’s just it.”

Cavalan- “Hmm…What’s this? I hear distress in Armani’s voice! Is this puberty rearing its ugly, pubic head or…perhaps, is it a midlife crisis? Either way, I, your King Cavalan, shall destroy it! After all, I am King of, well…Everything! I am master of every single thing I survey, am I not? Yes, I am.”

Armani- “…Well, your highness…this title of “King of Everything” isn’t…it isn’t exactly true anymore.”

Cavalan- “GASP! Dymus, your King gasps! Capture my escaping breaths! H-How can your beloved King Cavalan Edmond Ernesto Duveau…be no longer your King of Everything?”

Armani- “Well…first off, you reign over this land yes?”

Cavalan- “Why, Armani! Of course I reign over this land, for I reign over everything!”

Armani- “Well...do you reign over the Ocean?”

Cavalan- “GASP! Why, Armani! Of course your king reigns over the Ocean! Do you hear me, Ocean? Your King, Cavalan Ernesto Edmond Duveau of Trudgar rules you!”

Dymus- “You hear that blue, blubbering Ocean? Your new king rules you! His highness
Cavalan Ernesto Edmond Duveau rules over ya!”

Armani- (sigh) “I'm sorry, but your highness doesn't reign over the Ocean.”

Cavalan- “W-what? Oh no! Dymus, your King gasps again! Catch his breath! Dymus, tell me that Armani dearest is lying to me! But I am your King of Everything! How can everything NOT be the Ocean too?”

Armani- “...Well, everything here, sir. That's what I meant to tell you. I was going to say that you, your highness Cavalan Ernesto Edmond Duveau, heir of Trudgar, have sole property...over this land...which...isn't actually everything.”

Dymus- “Why how can you say that, knight Armani? We all are property of the King! Over land, air and sea of the world!”

Armani- “Oh but Dymus, you knew this too! Don't deny it now of all times!”

(As the clueless King is shocked at the new development, Dymus is spared for now. Heck, Cavalan doesn't seem to realize that his own righthand man knows something he doesn't. Either way...What does this mean?)


Cavalan- “W-w-what? Ohhh no! Your King gasps! Again! How can it be that...Your...king...is...NOT...the king...of...everything?”

Armani- “I'm afraid not, your highness. You are not the king of the Ocean, which is infinite...nor are you the King of our neighbours the Grahams, who are invading as of this moment...and whether you'd like to believe it or not, you are NOT the king of the peasants; for you no longer have any peasants to rule over. They were either slaughtered or they ran off when your family had taken over the land.”

Cavalan- “...Oh...your king blinks. Dymus?”

Dymus- “Yes, your highness?”

Cavalan- “Do I rule over the lakes on this island?”

Dymus- “Yes...you rule over the lakes on this island, your majesty.”

Cavalan- “Dymus, do I rule over the deserted and pillaged villages that remain?”

Dymus- “Yes, your majesty rules over the deserted and pillaged villages that remain...on this island.”

Cavalan- “...Dymus...the Grahams are on my land now, aren't they?”

Dymus- “...I do say that I believe so, sir.”

Cavalan- “Then goodie gumdrops! Let the good times spread! Let all the trees hear it! Let all the birds hear it! Let all the maimed, bleeding, dying villagers hear it!

Armani- “But, your highness...”

Cavalan- “You know what? Let the bloodthirsty, guileless, ravaging Grahams who have set foot on this island, they who have only thoughts of killing in mind...let THEM hear it! After all, they cannot invade my territory, for I rule over everything!”

Dymus- “At your request, your highness!”

Armani- “Oh my goodness! I should get flee- I mean, hurrying! I will task myself of spreading the good news! Goodbye, your majesty! I now take my leave! (under breath) Before I get killed...off to greener pastures..and safety.”

Cavalan- “Oh, oh, ohhh! Look at that! My knight serves me well! Run, run, run, My beloved Armani! Tell the good news! Oh go and tell them, tell them, tell them! Tell them that I, your new King Cavalan Ernesto Edmond Duveau, heir of Trudgar, rules you all! He rules over the trees! He rules over the birds! He rules over you bones on the ground! He...Ow! Your king...he bleeds! He gasps...”

(As the last scene comes to a close, Cavalan is stabbed and falls on the ground without much of another word. A shocked Dymus watches from nearby as he is also stabbed without warning...but not without parting words.)


Dymus- “Awright, then! All of ya, listen to his highness! He is now your appointed ruler, heir of Trudgar and King o the bloody free world! His royal monarch Cavalan Ernesto Edmond Duveau rules over the trees! He rules over the birds! He rules over the arrows flyin' in the air! He rules over the soil, the grass...(he gets hit by an arrow) H-ha! Oh no, your highness falls! He falls on his earth! Your highness will forever rule over the blood...the arrow piercing his heart...and yeah...he rules over ya too, who's stabbin' me! You...hear...me? Your...highness...is...the new...King...of...Everythin...!”

Spastic story! Rock! Paper! Scissors!

(Here on the Masterpost)

Will thou choose the Rock, The Paper, or The Scissors?

(A.k.a. Rock, Paper, Scissors, a true sport of the underground)

A play written by Suzanne Helen James

for Creative Writing 12

for Jillian Maguire

Ref-

“Ladies and Gentlemen! We are gathered here today to witness one of the greatest, darnest, trickiest, most underappreciated sports known to man! No, it's NOT dodgeball...and it's NOT pinball, either! Come and see, gawk and awe...”

(Two people in hooded capes come on both sides of the stage.)

Ref-

(Raises a fist in the air) “At the strength! The might! The power!”

(The two players launch fists at each other and yell) “Of the Rock!”

Ref-

(Opens his palm) “The flexibility! The stealth! The beauty...”

(The two players opens their palms and yell again with the Ref) “Of the paper!”

Ref-

(Takes a deep breath and makes a peace sign) “And last, but not least..”

(All three start chanting) “The switfness! The agility! The sharpness...”

(Only the cloaked players yell)

“Of the Scissors!”

(While the two players are dueling with the Rock, the Paper and the Scissors handsigns behind him, the ref makes his introduction.)

Ref-

“Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages and venerable seniors...welcome to the first...annual...rock..paper...scissors...Vancouver...district...championshipppp!!!”

(As the crowd is thrown into fervent excitement, the players stop chanting and stomp their feet rhytmically for a few seconds.)

Ref-

”To my right...RRRReigning in tightly with two titles to his belt...Laurence “The Buzzsaw” Fallwelll!!!” (Lights on Larry)

Larry-

(Takes the hood and raises his fist, then opens his palm then makes a peace sign) “The strength of the rock! The lightness of the paper! The swiftness...of the Scissors! Long live scissordom! It triumphs all its opponents, slicing and dicing and hacking through and through!”

Ref-

“Annnnd to my left!! Standing as a newcomer with two fresh and notable losses-(Gets cuts off by an angered Larry)

Larry-

“Why, Referee! I must interrupt and say that first of all, Laurence..is outraged! Why is she here if she burdens the sanctity of the game with not one, but TWO, TWO notable losses! I hold none and thus I earned my place! She is no competition to...Laurence!”

(While Ref is pissed at Larry's pointless intervention, he dismisses that as well. He was just here for the money, and nothing else.)

Ref-

“You know what, dude? I don't really care if the lady won or lost or whatever! I'm just here to make sure that you rock your papers with the right scissors! In fact, I don't really care about these things!”

(Ref growls as he's then suddenly attacked by a wild Larry who flails his arms madly in front of him. Stepping aside to avoid harm, Ref rolls his eyes. Meanwhile, in Larry's distracting, the other contestant had long dissappeared from the stage.)

Larry-

“How dare you call yourself a referee, then! I am even further outraged! Bur to prove you wrong, I shall duel you to teach you how misled you are!You shall learn to not to disgrace this sacred sport...this sport of KINGSSS!!”

(Wanting to finally shut Larry up, the referee steps back up and faces him, pointing behind him, where someone else should've been standing there but wasn't.)

Ref-

“Alright then! you know what? I'm gonna accept your challenge! And the winner...well, the winner's gonna play against...whomever I never named backed there! Deal?”

Larry-

“Yes, it is a deal! Laurence the Buzzsaw and King of all Scissordom, shall prove his might to all of you!”

Ref-

“By the way...I know that your real name..is Larry!”

Larry-

“Ohhh...the outrage from his Majesty Laurence does nothing but rise! Need I remind you that in this sacred arena, the one you call “Larry” does not exist...but you may adress me as your King of Scissordom, Laurence “the Buzzsaw” Fallwell!”

Ref-

“Duude...can't wait till I shut you up and show you how messed you are. Seriously, I'll be doing you a favor by crushing you.”

Larry-

“Enough talk, imposter! draw your fists!”

(Ref counts them off and with their hands in fists, the two yell “rock”, “paper” “scissors”. A silence follows as they examine the result.)

Larry-

“W-what? No! h-how can this be?”

(To Larry's utter shock, his signature trump card the scissors had been defeated...by the Ref's rock.)

Larry-

“...But HOW? A-a rock against my sharp scissors?”

Ref-

“Well Larry, you know what the rules are, huh? After all, the strength of the rock overthrows the agility of your scissors...guess you weren't sharp enough! get it, Larry? Sharp?”

Larry-

“Why...oh why must you taunt me with that name? By golly, this “Larry” person that you speak of does not exist here! Here is where, I, Laurence Fallwell, rules over Scsssordom! In fact..he challenges you again, you...you incompetent cheater!”

Ref-

(Scoffs at Larry's bad use of taunting and decides to look to the audience) “Well dear audience, seems that this championship has taken an interesting turn..for I, your beloved Ref, has been challenged by Larry “the Buzzsaw” Fallwell for another round! Don't forget that when you place your bets, do please give all donations to the, uh...Referee relief fund! Wish me luck!”

(The two once again get into position; retreated fists and legs spread apart. With a swing of his arm, Ref once again counts them off.)

Ref-

“One...”

Larry-

“Two...”

Both-

“Threeee!!!”

(After another chant of a quick , “Rock, Paper, scissors”, the latter emphasized by Larry, the two look at their opposing results; this time, a smirking Laurence has he upper hand as HE has the Rock and Ref has the Scissors.)

Larry-

“Well, well, what's this? A reversal of roles? I see that the mighty referee has lost to the might of the same rock that served him prior!”

Ref-

“Yeah, whatever, Larry. Again, this isn't really something that I'm obssessing with here, unlike you. And of course that could've happened! There's a 1 in 3 chance that either of us could've picked Rock, Paper, Scissors! Dude...basic probability, even I know that!”

(A stung Larry is unnerved by the Ref's smug and quick-witted response, but he doesn't let that affect his game. He is however, really starting to get pissed at the referral to his “other” self.)

Larry-

“Oooh! Such strong impudence! How many times must I tell you, there is no one by the name of Larry! Here is where resides Laurence “The Buzzsaw” Fallwell! And he is not afraid to resort to other items of attack such as the rock or even the paper....”

(Ref snorts at Larry's speech. If he was trying to intimidate him, he has a long way to go. This poor sap really needed a life. And maybe, just maybe, Ref would be the one who would give that to him.)

Ref-

“...You know what, Larry? Here's what I'm gonna suggest; we're gonna do this one more time. This is now the last round between you and me. If I win, you give up your “King Laurence” persona and acknowledge that you are Larry Fallwell, poor n' pathetic geek dude I just happen to know at school and throw spitballs to...If you want, I could even throw in a free offer to hang out with my boys and be cool for a day....eh? Sounds radical or what? Huh? Whaddya say, Larry?”

(...For a moment, Larry is again speechless. Why would Ref, a complete stranger to him, offer him social stature and a chance at being cool all of a sudden? But then...what about all of THIS? All of his titles? But really...was he about to leave all of this behind for a mere chance at not being laughed at or ignored for six hours? Not without a fight he wouldn't!)

Larry-

“H-Ha! For once, I was drawn into your words of foolishness and grandeur! You, my friend, are just a sore loser who wishes to usurp his highness the Buzzsaw from his throne! I see no reason to relinquish my kingly identity! In fact, I do not see a reason why “Larry”, that pitiful alter ego you speak of, should return either...but, to see through to your pathetic jest, know that Laurence is not afraid...to take you down! And yes, he can take you wayyyy downtownnn! So my half of the bargain is this; If you do beat me, I suppose that I will step down as King of Scissordom and abdicate...”

(Just as Ref was about to reply though, Larry points and cuts him off to finish..)

Larry-

“...As I was saying! When I win, and I will, YOU must reliniquish your role as a referee..and you shall be my servant for a month's duration! No if's, and's or but's about it!”

(Now the usual mouthy Ref is speechless after he hears Larry's end of the bargain. A grinning Larry cackles as he has Ref listening.)

Larry-

“Finally got your attention, Referee! And how could I forget! You must, without any exception, MUST adress me as his highness “The Buzzsaw” for that entire time, too! MWAH HAH HAHHH!”

(Visibly shaken by Larry's perverse request, Ref regains composure by defiantly spitting at Larry's feet then making the “Loser” sign towards Larry. This angers Larry, who just lost face.)

Ref-

“You know what, Larry? And yes, your dorkness, that's your name, That stupid little fantasy o' yours ain't gonna happen! You know why? Cause I am gonna CHOP you downnn! Awww yeah, that's right! C-H-O-P! So get ready to get sli-ced, your dorkness Buzzard! Nyuhhh!!!”

(Raging with irritance as Ref taunts him again, Larry ignores the words though his face clearly seems to take it all in. Oh now would revenge be sweet..)

Larry-

”And you say that I am the one at a loss with words, you foolish fiend? I find our own retorts quite silly. Now draw your fists!”

Ref-

“That I shall!”

(Ref gasps and slaps his hands over his mouth as the words echo in his head. Yes, that had just been weird. Yes, he had just sounded like Larry. And that...that was just WRONG in all senses.)

Ref-

” ...Ughhh, duuude! I just sounded like you! Ech! I'm getting corrupted or somethin', man. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I crush you and the quicker you get the help, man. You need it.”

(Even though Ref had just pushed another set of his buttons, Larry can still say he has somewhat won Ref over by what he had just said. Now he was certain that the other's “conversion” would be easier to complete. The game was finally getting to him.)

Larry-

“So, what's this? So you even start to use my own language! This is a small step to victory!”

(An irritated Ref tries to ignore the comment and regain control.)

Ref-

“You know what Larry? You're bout to get your ass chopped right now! In 3! 2! 1!”

With the standard yell of “Rock,” “Paper,”, “Scissors”, the two madmen Ref and Larry face-off again. With every parry of rock, paper, scissors though, they would only get more and more angry at each other.)

Ref-

“ROCCCKKKKKKK...!!!”

Larry-

“PAPPPERRRR!!!!”

Both-

“SCISSSORSSS!! HEAHHHH HAHHH!!!”

(With a final, decisive and desperate war-like yell, both boys then launch their final fists..but once again, they end up tying; like they've been tying for the past 3 times!! But then..)

Melina-

“STOPPP! This fighting...will...cease...at once!”

(Immediately, the exhausted boys look at each other and look at Melina, the mysterious other opponent. She steps out from the shadows and comes towards Ref and Larry, then steps in-between them and raises her arms to block one from the other.)

Melina-

“Stop...this...madness! This useless fighting must cease at once, you neanderthal simpletons!”

Larry-

”And who are you to stop us, mysterious cloaked female?”

(Meanwhile, Ref notices that melina is practically doing his job...Because he was supposed to stop the fights...not start them for that matter.)

Ref-

“...Uhhh...I just noticed that this is MY job. I mean, this is MY job! I am the middle man! The mediator! I AM the Ref!”

Larry-

“Actually, you will formerly known as the Ref after I'm done with you.”

Ref-

“Oh your highness! You know what?”

Larry-

“What is it, my future servant?”

Ref-

“I implore his majesty to put a sock in it, would ya? Just put a zipper on your mouth and shut your lid!”

Larry-

“Grrrr!! Why you...! You once again mock his highness the Buzzsaw? Why don't you come here, so I can let you have it, you imposter! You filth! You disgraceful little..”

(Just as the two are about to run into each other, Melina comes again between them and almost knocks them to the ground.)

Melina-

“Oh for God's sake! Why don't I decide the victor? Me? The winner of this last and final challenge...shall fight against me for the title of Vancouver District Champion...and spend an entire hour of quality time..with me!”

(Ref shrugs while Larry actually comptemplates. This did sound ever-so tempting. Would the king of Scissordom take the bait this time?)

Ref-

“Meh. Fine with me. I'm gonna add to that a lil somethin' else, too; I lose, it's Larry versus you, no problem bout that. Though...if I win: the dude HAS to give up his Kingship of dorkdom...annnd! My offer to spend a day in my boys' care and protection, and complete coolness, is still on the table. So yeah. You still up for it, Larry? I'll add in a special, wedgie-free discount if you answer now!”

(Silence reigns for a bit as Larry still thinks about an answer. He still had thoughts about the Ref...and well, Melina was a girl. The only girl he might ever encounter offline. So what was he to lose? The Ref's offer, though, was still questionable. So all he really had to do was put the Ref back in his place and the deal would be done.)

Larry-

“Though the Referee irks me to no end, I am rather curious about the lady under the hood...said lady with whom I shall make the great effort of destroying her...gently! And as for you, you snake! You will not fool me again; and for that, your servitude to his highness shall be extended for much longer than a month! When I will defeat you and trust me, I will...then, you will bow, I tell you! Bow, you foolish incompetent!”

Ref-

“Hoo hoo!! Sooo scared! Ain't gonna happen, Larry! Now get on introducin', lady; so I can put his highness of dorkdom back into place!”

Melina-

”...Alright, then. Ladies and Gentlemen! On our right! Competing for false prestige, lack of social life and a whole other imaginary identity...I present to you, his royal Buzzsaw, Laurence Fallwell of Scissordom!!!”

(A prideful Laurence ignores the bluntness of Melina's introduction and steps forward again, ignoring that Ref is making faces. However, he does give a few claw-shaped hand jabs at Ref when he steps back. Melina once again comes in-between them; and almost smacks Larry in the face.)

Ref-

“Oooh! Touchee, Larry! Touche! Get it?”

Larry-

” Oh really? Let's hear what the lady says about you, you low-life!”

Melina-

“To my left...drawn in from selfish pride, gutless ego, monetary despair and recently seeking every known escape to nerd slavery...I present to you, a member of you, of me, of the common folk! Your greedy, gluttonuous and lecherous everyday male teenager, your refereee!!”

(While Larry bursts in mad laughter, Ref shrugs in indifference. Melina wasn't too far off the point. This was because, unbeknowst to Larry, Melina was the Ref's sister; so she knew him best.)

Melina-

”...And finally! Last, but not least...standing in the center of you all, with in all actuality, 3 titles and only ONE, yes, ONE loss...your lady of Rock, your muse of the Paper and your beauty of the Scissors...the Vancouverrrr....District...Championnnn...heh heh! Well, that's me, of course!”

(Melina takes off her hood and her cape, revealing a beautiful woman. Larry immediately falls to his knees...and Ref shakes his head. How shallow of you, Larry!)

Ref-

”Tut, tut, tut. Yo, Earth to his dorkness! Larry! Get up, dude! Up on your feet! Or are you just gonna give up when you see a girl? I mean, dude! I was ready to rock! By rock, I mean bashing fists together!”

Larry-

“...Ooohh oh ohhh! I concede! I concede! You highnes his Buzzsaw concedes! Oh beautiful Melina, take me as your King now and I give you everything!”

(Melina, however, wasn't so thrilled after having really LOOKED at Larry. She soon becomes a bit creeped by him, and constantly tries to pry him off and get him away from her with kicks when he crawls towards her. Ref, in the background of this spectacle, simply laughs.)

Melina-

“...Oh em gee! How ruuude and unsportsmanlike, your highness! I mean, sure, I'm hot and all that, but that's, like, no reason to suddenly crawl on all fours andddd...eww, eww, ewww!”

Ref-

“Ok, ok! Sis, you gotta finish him. Break him. Apart. It's the only way.”

(After another kick to Larry, Melina looks at her brother. She was a bitch, sure, but she wasn't that cruel. But she wasn't really in any mood to be or do ANYTHING with Larry...)

Melina-

“...But really? Break him? I mean, I can't! Even I'm not THAT evil.”

Ref-

“...Well, how can I put to you this way; you want this?” (points down at Larry, crawling back towards her) “That? For 60 minutes? I mean, Mel, sis...Larry. Fallwell. For. Sixty. Minutes. And 'sides, your brother's gonna be a nerd slave if you don't do something! And my boys won't respect me! A man's gotta have respect! And...And...And if he doesn't have that, forget it, he doesn't have anything!”

(Then, Ref continues to listing off the ways that Larry would try and entertain them during their time together; the endless rolls of the die at their role-playing games...his trying to explain to her the endless plot holes and spoilers of the Star Trek saga and worst of all...act out his outrageous and pitiful original fantasy stories...with unimaginable and ridiculously scantily-clad outfits...for either genders!!! That had finally been enough for the scared Melina...)

Melina-

“EEEEEKKKK!!! I AM NOT gonna end up as your Elven Princess Galabriella or whatever, you hear me? Never, never, never!” (her tone rises.) “Rise, King of Scissordom! The Queen of Rock challenges you to her title!! Choose now or your fate be forever sealed in doom!”

(Ref steps aside and drapes Melina's coat over her shoulders. After another kick to his face but not his ego, a more-determined Larry rolls away and then rises to his feet, wiping off the dirt from his shoulders. This leaves Ref back inpower as the middle man, the mediator, the REFEREE...which is something that he has suddenly taken to heart...But only after having not being the ref for so long.)

Larry-

“Ohhh..I wish us to have more than a mere hour's time together, my beloved!”

Melina-

(shudders) “Yeah, right. And I'm, like, Queen of the Elizabeth or whatever. You'll be soooo rocked and rolled over when I'll be done with you, Larry.”

Larry-

” Oh...you may rock and roll me whenever you like, Milady.”

Ref-

“Ok, ok. Enough with the dirt, Larry. It's getting creepy. Seriously.”

Melina-

”And by the way, I am so underdefeated, just so you know. Woof! I. AM. The super champ.”

Ref-

“And I will ignore that that
“underdefeated” thing...is not a word. You ready, buzzard king?'

Larry-

“Quiet, insolence! Though it pains me to hear that you are related to Milady, you have not the heart and the beauty to melt my heart like she has, so do shut your mouth!”

Ref-

“Dudddeee...again, that thing called a life? I'm gonna give you one whether you like it or not. Especially after sis beats you to a pulp. You ready?”

(Ignoring Larry's rants of how dissapointed he is at his relation to Melina, Ref then counts them off with a grace and a manner that was only worthy of being done in slow motion. “Chariots of Fire” played in the background as Ref raised his arm and Melina and Larry drew their fists.)

Ref-

“One...two...three...! Rock! Paper! Scissors!”

(Just as Melina and Larry are gonna draw their fists, they suddenly freeze. Ref then walks to the front with hands behind him. He adresses the audience for his final speech...)

Ref-

“Well...Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls...venerable, flatulent elders. Behind me stands my really hot sister, Melina. And some poor sap geek dude that I just happen to know by the name of Larry. I throw spitballs at im, he squirms. End of story. On the outside, they are the technical archetypes of “The cheerleader” chick and the “geek” dude. Yes, they are from two different worlds; but they are brought together by an everyday, nondescript game. Said game has many properties; at work...you can play Rock, Paper Scissors to decide who sucks up to the boss for a raise. The winner would probably get fired. But! You...can play it at school! Who knows? If you play your cards right, Jimmy can throw today's winner in the can and tomorrow's winner in the locker! Or when not in gym, Coach Carlson can make the winner run laps! If in politics, the world leaders played Rock, Paper, scissors, wouldn't there be less wars to be fought? Do you hear my plea for peace, my People of the audience?! Yes! Let us not divide each other by social class and rank of coolness and complete, utter coolness; No...instead let us be like the many Larrys or the many Melinas, they who are brought together by power, fame, prestige...and in my case, greedy black money. And whistles. Yes...whistles and money, People of the public!

(By this time, Ref has made this into a very dramatic and personal speech...Might as well liven the crowd for the final words.)

...Yes! In such freedoms, let us not adress the men as “geeks”, “nerds”, “four-eyes”, “nobody” or “douches”... nor should we adress our women as ”hot girls,”, “The REALLY hot babes in the corner” “you foxy ladies” or even, “ those girls who I'd really like to...” (He coughs to stop and compose himself. Getting too involved in the descriptions.) Ahem. But, no, no, NO! (Pause to recollect and breathe.) Here, in the minor games, let us be the proudest...lousiest...most egostitical winners... and let us be the poorest, most pathetic, and the SOREST sulking losers that we can ever be...!!! (Gets back to normal, rousing tempo.) Yes! Let us! And, in all of the fun...you...get...CASH! Money! Moolah! I mean, seriously! How can you say NO to play Rock, Paper, Scissors for wads...wads...and MORE wads of cassssshhhhhh? (Finally, Ref returns to calm.)

And now..without further adieu, I leave you with only one question to ponder;

Wilt thou choosest...The Mighty Rock? The Dense Paper? Or the Swift Scissors?

Choose...now or your fate...will be forever sealed in doom....!!!”

(With that final line, “Eye of the Tiger” plays and Ref bows. Lights then fade to black.)