Spastic story! Rock! Paper! Scissors!

(Here on the Masterpost)

Will thou choose the Rock, The Paper, or The Scissors?

(A.k.a. Rock, Paper, Scissors, a true sport of the underground)

A play written by Suzanne Helen James

for Creative Writing 12

for Jillian Maguire

Ref-

“Ladies and Gentlemen! We are gathered here today to witness one of the greatest, darnest, trickiest, most underappreciated sports known to man! No, it's NOT dodgeball...and it's NOT pinball, either! Come and see, gawk and awe...”

(Two people in hooded capes come on both sides of the stage.)

Ref-

(Raises a fist in the air) “At the strength! The might! The power!”

(The two players launch fists at each other and yell) “Of the Rock!”

Ref-

(Opens his palm) “The flexibility! The stealth! The beauty...”

(The two players opens their palms and yell again with the Ref) “Of the paper!”

Ref-

(Takes a deep breath and makes a peace sign) “And last, but not least..”

(All three start chanting) “The switfness! The agility! The sharpness...”

(Only the cloaked players yell)

“Of the Scissors!”

(While the two players are dueling with the Rock, the Paper and the Scissors handsigns behind him, the ref makes his introduction.)

Ref-

“Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages and venerable seniors...welcome to the first...annual...rock..paper...scissors...Vancouver...district...championshipppp!!!”

(As the crowd is thrown into fervent excitement, the players stop chanting and stomp their feet rhytmically for a few seconds.)

Ref-

”To my right...RRRReigning in tightly with two titles to his belt...Laurence “The Buzzsaw” Fallwelll!!!” (Lights on Larry)

Larry-

(Takes the hood and raises his fist, then opens his palm then makes a peace sign) “The strength of the rock! The lightness of the paper! The swiftness...of the Scissors! Long live scissordom! It triumphs all its opponents, slicing and dicing and hacking through and through!”

Ref-

“Annnnd to my left!! Standing as a newcomer with two fresh and notable losses-(Gets cuts off by an angered Larry)

Larry-

“Why, Referee! I must interrupt and say that first of all, Laurence..is outraged! Why is she here if she burdens the sanctity of the game with not one, but TWO, TWO notable losses! I hold none and thus I earned my place! She is no competition to...Laurence!”

(While Ref is pissed at Larry's pointless intervention, he dismisses that as well. He was just here for the money, and nothing else.)

Ref-

“You know what, dude? I don't really care if the lady won or lost or whatever! I'm just here to make sure that you rock your papers with the right scissors! In fact, I don't really care about these things!”

(Ref growls as he's then suddenly attacked by a wild Larry who flails his arms madly in front of him. Stepping aside to avoid harm, Ref rolls his eyes. Meanwhile, in Larry's distracting, the other contestant had long dissappeared from the stage.)

Larry-

“How dare you call yourself a referee, then! I am even further outraged! Bur to prove you wrong, I shall duel you to teach you how misled you are!You shall learn to not to disgrace this sacred sport...this sport of KINGSSS!!”

(Wanting to finally shut Larry up, the referee steps back up and faces him, pointing behind him, where someone else should've been standing there but wasn't.)

Ref-

“Alright then! you know what? I'm gonna accept your challenge! And the winner...well, the winner's gonna play against...whomever I never named backed there! Deal?”

Larry-

“Yes, it is a deal! Laurence the Buzzsaw and King of all Scissordom, shall prove his might to all of you!”

Ref-

“By the way...I know that your real name..is Larry!”

Larry-

“Ohhh...the outrage from his Majesty Laurence does nothing but rise! Need I remind you that in this sacred arena, the one you call “Larry” does not exist...but you may adress me as your King of Scissordom, Laurence “the Buzzsaw” Fallwell!”

Ref-

“Duude...can't wait till I shut you up and show you how messed you are. Seriously, I'll be doing you a favor by crushing you.”

Larry-

“Enough talk, imposter! draw your fists!”

(Ref counts them off and with their hands in fists, the two yell “rock”, “paper” “scissors”. A silence follows as they examine the result.)

Larry-

“W-what? No! h-how can this be?”

(To Larry's utter shock, his signature trump card the scissors had been defeated...by the Ref's rock.)

Larry-

“...But HOW? A-a rock against my sharp scissors?”

Ref-

“Well Larry, you know what the rules are, huh? After all, the strength of the rock overthrows the agility of your scissors...guess you weren't sharp enough! get it, Larry? Sharp?”

Larry-

“Why...oh why must you taunt me with that name? By golly, this “Larry” person that you speak of does not exist here! Here is where, I, Laurence Fallwell, rules over Scsssordom! In fact..he challenges you again, you...you incompetent cheater!”

Ref-

(Scoffs at Larry's bad use of taunting and decides to look to the audience) “Well dear audience, seems that this championship has taken an interesting turn..for I, your beloved Ref, has been challenged by Larry “the Buzzsaw” Fallwell for another round! Don't forget that when you place your bets, do please give all donations to the, uh...Referee relief fund! Wish me luck!”

(The two once again get into position; retreated fists and legs spread apart. With a swing of his arm, Ref once again counts them off.)

Ref-

“One...”

Larry-

“Two...”

Both-

“Threeee!!!”

(After another chant of a quick , “Rock, Paper, scissors”, the latter emphasized by Larry, the two look at their opposing results; this time, a smirking Laurence has he upper hand as HE has the Rock and Ref has the Scissors.)

Larry-

“Well, well, what's this? A reversal of roles? I see that the mighty referee has lost to the might of the same rock that served him prior!”

Ref-

“Yeah, whatever, Larry. Again, this isn't really something that I'm obssessing with here, unlike you. And of course that could've happened! There's a 1 in 3 chance that either of us could've picked Rock, Paper, Scissors! Dude...basic probability, even I know that!”

(A stung Larry is unnerved by the Ref's smug and quick-witted response, but he doesn't let that affect his game. He is however, really starting to get pissed at the referral to his “other” self.)

Larry-

“Oooh! Such strong impudence! How many times must I tell you, there is no one by the name of Larry! Here is where resides Laurence “The Buzzsaw” Fallwell! And he is not afraid to resort to other items of attack such as the rock or even the paper....”

(Ref snorts at Larry's speech. If he was trying to intimidate him, he has a long way to go. This poor sap really needed a life. And maybe, just maybe, Ref would be the one who would give that to him.)

Ref-

“...You know what, Larry? Here's what I'm gonna suggest; we're gonna do this one more time. This is now the last round between you and me. If I win, you give up your “King Laurence” persona and acknowledge that you are Larry Fallwell, poor n' pathetic geek dude I just happen to know at school and throw spitballs to...If you want, I could even throw in a free offer to hang out with my boys and be cool for a day....eh? Sounds radical or what? Huh? Whaddya say, Larry?”

(...For a moment, Larry is again speechless. Why would Ref, a complete stranger to him, offer him social stature and a chance at being cool all of a sudden? But then...what about all of THIS? All of his titles? But really...was he about to leave all of this behind for a mere chance at not being laughed at or ignored for six hours? Not without a fight he wouldn't!)

Larry-

“H-Ha! For once, I was drawn into your words of foolishness and grandeur! You, my friend, are just a sore loser who wishes to usurp his highness the Buzzsaw from his throne! I see no reason to relinquish my kingly identity! In fact, I do not see a reason why “Larry”, that pitiful alter ego you speak of, should return either...but, to see through to your pathetic jest, know that Laurence is not afraid...to take you down! And yes, he can take you wayyyy downtownnn! So my half of the bargain is this; If you do beat me, I suppose that I will step down as King of Scissordom and abdicate...”

(Just as Ref was about to reply though, Larry points and cuts him off to finish..)

Larry-

“...As I was saying! When I win, and I will, YOU must reliniquish your role as a referee..and you shall be my servant for a month's duration! No if's, and's or but's about it!”

(Now the usual mouthy Ref is speechless after he hears Larry's end of the bargain. A grinning Larry cackles as he has Ref listening.)

Larry-

“Finally got your attention, Referee! And how could I forget! You must, without any exception, MUST adress me as his highness “The Buzzsaw” for that entire time, too! MWAH HAH HAHHH!”

(Visibly shaken by Larry's perverse request, Ref regains composure by defiantly spitting at Larry's feet then making the “Loser” sign towards Larry. This angers Larry, who just lost face.)

Ref-

“You know what, Larry? And yes, your dorkness, that's your name, That stupid little fantasy o' yours ain't gonna happen! You know why? Cause I am gonna CHOP you downnn! Awww yeah, that's right! C-H-O-P! So get ready to get sli-ced, your dorkness Buzzard! Nyuhhh!!!”

(Raging with irritance as Ref taunts him again, Larry ignores the words though his face clearly seems to take it all in. Oh now would revenge be sweet..)

Larry-

”And you say that I am the one at a loss with words, you foolish fiend? I find our own retorts quite silly. Now draw your fists!”

Ref-

“That I shall!”

(Ref gasps and slaps his hands over his mouth as the words echo in his head. Yes, that had just been weird. Yes, he had just sounded like Larry. And that...that was just WRONG in all senses.)

Ref-

” ...Ughhh, duuude! I just sounded like you! Ech! I'm getting corrupted or somethin', man. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I crush you and the quicker you get the help, man. You need it.”

(Even though Ref had just pushed another set of his buttons, Larry can still say he has somewhat won Ref over by what he had just said. Now he was certain that the other's “conversion” would be easier to complete. The game was finally getting to him.)

Larry-

“So, what's this? So you even start to use my own language! This is a small step to victory!”

(An irritated Ref tries to ignore the comment and regain control.)

Ref-

“You know what Larry? You're bout to get your ass chopped right now! In 3! 2! 1!”

With the standard yell of “Rock,” “Paper,”, “Scissors”, the two madmen Ref and Larry face-off again. With every parry of rock, paper, scissors though, they would only get more and more angry at each other.)

Ref-

“ROCCCKKKKKKK...!!!”

Larry-

“PAPPPERRRR!!!!”

Both-

“SCISSSORSSS!! HEAHHHH HAHHH!!!”

(With a final, decisive and desperate war-like yell, both boys then launch their final fists..but once again, they end up tying; like they've been tying for the past 3 times!! But then..)

Melina-

“STOPPP! This fighting...will...cease...at once!”

(Immediately, the exhausted boys look at each other and look at Melina, the mysterious other opponent. She steps out from the shadows and comes towards Ref and Larry, then steps in-between them and raises her arms to block one from the other.)

Melina-

“Stop...this...madness! This useless fighting must cease at once, you neanderthal simpletons!”

Larry-

”And who are you to stop us, mysterious cloaked female?”

(Meanwhile, Ref notices that melina is practically doing his job...Because he was supposed to stop the fights...not start them for that matter.)

Ref-

“...Uhhh...I just noticed that this is MY job. I mean, this is MY job! I am the middle man! The mediator! I AM the Ref!”

Larry-

“Actually, you will formerly known as the Ref after I'm done with you.”

Ref-

“Oh your highness! You know what?”

Larry-

“What is it, my future servant?”

Ref-

“I implore his majesty to put a sock in it, would ya? Just put a zipper on your mouth and shut your lid!”

Larry-

“Grrrr!! Why you...! You once again mock his highness the Buzzsaw? Why don't you come here, so I can let you have it, you imposter! You filth! You disgraceful little..”

(Just as the two are about to run into each other, Melina comes again between them and almost knocks them to the ground.)

Melina-

“Oh for God's sake! Why don't I decide the victor? Me? The winner of this last and final challenge...shall fight against me for the title of Vancouver District Champion...and spend an entire hour of quality time..with me!”

(Ref shrugs while Larry actually comptemplates. This did sound ever-so tempting. Would the king of Scissordom take the bait this time?)

Ref-

“Meh. Fine with me. I'm gonna add to that a lil somethin' else, too; I lose, it's Larry versus you, no problem bout that. Though...if I win: the dude HAS to give up his Kingship of dorkdom...annnd! My offer to spend a day in my boys' care and protection, and complete coolness, is still on the table. So yeah. You still up for it, Larry? I'll add in a special, wedgie-free discount if you answer now!”

(Silence reigns for a bit as Larry still thinks about an answer. He still had thoughts about the Ref...and well, Melina was a girl. The only girl he might ever encounter offline. So what was he to lose? The Ref's offer, though, was still questionable. So all he really had to do was put the Ref back in his place and the deal would be done.)

Larry-

“Though the Referee irks me to no end, I am rather curious about the lady under the hood...said lady with whom I shall make the great effort of destroying her...gently! And as for you, you snake! You will not fool me again; and for that, your servitude to his highness shall be extended for much longer than a month! When I will defeat you and trust me, I will...then, you will bow, I tell you! Bow, you foolish incompetent!”

Ref-

“Hoo hoo!! Sooo scared! Ain't gonna happen, Larry! Now get on introducin', lady; so I can put his highness of dorkdom back into place!”

Melina-

”...Alright, then. Ladies and Gentlemen! On our right! Competing for false prestige, lack of social life and a whole other imaginary identity...I present to you, his royal Buzzsaw, Laurence Fallwell of Scissordom!!!”

(A prideful Laurence ignores the bluntness of Melina's introduction and steps forward again, ignoring that Ref is making faces. However, he does give a few claw-shaped hand jabs at Ref when he steps back. Melina once again comes in-between them; and almost smacks Larry in the face.)

Ref-

“Oooh! Touchee, Larry! Touche! Get it?”

Larry-

” Oh really? Let's hear what the lady says about you, you low-life!”

Melina-

“To my left...drawn in from selfish pride, gutless ego, monetary despair and recently seeking every known escape to nerd slavery...I present to you, a member of you, of me, of the common folk! Your greedy, gluttonuous and lecherous everyday male teenager, your refereee!!”

(While Larry bursts in mad laughter, Ref shrugs in indifference. Melina wasn't too far off the point. This was because, unbeknowst to Larry, Melina was the Ref's sister; so she knew him best.)

Melina-

”...And finally! Last, but not least...standing in the center of you all, with in all actuality, 3 titles and only ONE, yes, ONE loss...your lady of Rock, your muse of the Paper and your beauty of the Scissors...the Vancouverrrr....District...Championnnn...heh heh! Well, that's me, of course!”

(Melina takes off her hood and her cape, revealing a beautiful woman. Larry immediately falls to his knees...and Ref shakes his head. How shallow of you, Larry!)

Ref-

”Tut, tut, tut. Yo, Earth to his dorkness! Larry! Get up, dude! Up on your feet! Or are you just gonna give up when you see a girl? I mean, dude! I was ready to rock! By rock, I mean bashing fists together!”

Larry-

“...Ooohh oh ohhh! I concede! I concede! You highnes his Buzzsaw concedes! Oh beautiful Melina, take me as your King now and I give you everything!”

(Melina, however, wasn't so thrilled after having really LOOKED at Larry. She soon becomes a bit creeped by him, and constantly tries to pry him off and get him away from her with kicks when he crawls towards her. Ref, in the background of this spectacle, simply laughs.)

Melina-

“...Oh em gee! How ruuude and unsportsmanlike, your highness! I mean, sure, I'm hot and all that, but that's, like, no reason to suddenly crawl on all fours andddd...eww, eww, ewww!”

Ref-

“Ok, ok! Sis, you gotta finish him. Break him. Apart. It's the only way.”

(After another kick to Larry, Melina looks at her brother. She was a bitch, sure, but she wasn't that cruel. But she wasn't really in any mood to be or do ANYTHING with Larry...)

Melina-

“...But really? Break him? I mean, I can't! Even I'm not THAT evil.”

Ref-

“...Well, how can I put to you this way; you want this?” (points down at Larry, crawling back towards her) “That? For 60 minutes? I mean, Mel, sis...Larry. Fallwell. For. Sixty. Minutes. And 'sides, your brother's gonna be a nerd slave if you don't do something! And my boys won't respect me! A man's gotta have respect! And...And...And if he doesn't have that, forget it, he doesn't have anything!”

(Then, Ref continues to listing off the ways that Larry would try and entertain them during their time together; the endless rolls of the die at their role-playing games...his trying to explain to her the endless plot holes and spoilers of the Star Trek saga and worst of all...act out his outrageous and pitiful original fantasy stories...with unimaginable and ridiculously scantily-clad outfits...for either genders!!! That had finally been enough for the scared Melina...)

Melina-

“EEEEEKKKK!!! I AM NOT gonna end up as your Elven Princess Galabriella or whatever, you hear me? Never, never, never!” (her tone rises.) “Rise, King of Scissordom! The Queen of Rock challenges you to her title!! Choose now or your fate be forever sealed in doom!”

(Ref steps aside and drapes Melina's coat over her shoulders. After another kick to his face but not his ego, a more-determined Larry rolls away and then rises to his feet, wiping off the dirt from his shoulders. This leaves Ref back inpower as the middle man, the mediator, the REFEREE...which is something that he has suddenly taken to heart...But only after having not being the ref for so long.)

Larry-

“Ohhh..I wish us to have more than a mere hour's time together, my beloved!”

Melina-

(shudders) “Yeah, right. And I'm, like, Queen of the Elizabeth or whatever. You'll be soooo rocked and rolled over when I'll be done with you, Larry.”

Larry-

” Oh...you may rock and roll me whenever you like, Milady.”

Ref-

“Ok, ok. Enough with the dirt, Larry. It's getting creepy. Seriously.”

Melina-

”And by the way, I am so underdefeated, just so you know. Woof! I. AM. The super champ.”

Ref-

“And I will ignore that that
“underdefeated” thing...is not a word. You ready, buzzard king?'

Larry-

“Quiet, insolence! Though it pains me to hear that you are related to Milady, you have not the heart and the beauty to melt my heart like she has, so do shut your mouth!”

Ref-

“Dudddeee...again, that thing called a life? I'm gonna give you one whether you like it or not. Especially after sis beats you to a pulp. You ready?”

(Ignoring Larry's rants of how dissapointed he is at his relation to Melina, Ref then counts them off with a grace and a manner that was only worthy of being done in slow motion. “Chariots of Fire” played in the background as Ref raised his arm and Melina and Larry drew their fists.)

Ref-

“One...two...three...! Rock! Paper! Scissors!”

(Just as Melina and Larry are gonna draw their fists, they suddenly freeze. Ref then walks to the front with hands behind him. He adresses the audience for his final speech...)

Ref-

“Well...Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls...venerable, flatulent elders. Behind me stands my really hot sister, Melina. And some poor sap geek dude that I just happen to know by the name of Larry. I throw spitballs at im, he squirms. End of story. On the outside, they are the technical archetypes of “The cheerleader” chick and the “geek” dude. Yes, they are from two different worlds; but they are brought together by an everyday, nondescript game. Said game has many properties; at work...you can play Rock, Paper Scissors to decide who sucks up to the boss for a raise. The winner would probably get fired. But! You...can play it at school! Who knows? If you play your cards right, Jimmy can throw today's winner in the can and tomorrow's winner in the locker! Or when not in gym, Coach Carlson can make the winner run laps! If in politics, the world leaders played Rock, Paper, scissors, wouldn't there be less wars to be fought? Do you hear my plea for peace, my People of the audience?! Yes! Let us not divide each other by social class and rank of coolness and complete, utter coolness; No...instead let us be like the many Larrys or the many Melinas, they who are brought together by power, fame, prestige...and in my case, greedy black money. And whistles. Yes...whistles and money, People of the public!

(By this time, Ref has made this into a very dramatic and personal speech...Might as well liven the crowd for the final words.)

...Yes! In such freedoms, let us not adress the men as “geeks”, “nerds”, “four-eyes”, “nobody” or “douches”... nor should we adress our women as ”hot girls,”, “The REALLY hot babes in the corner” “you foxy ladies” or even, “ those girls who I'd really like to...” (He coughs to stop and compose himself. Getting too involved in the descriptions.) Ahem. But, no, no, NO! (Pause to recollect and breathe.) Here, in the minor games, let us be the proudest...lousiest...most egostitical winners... and let us be the poorest, most pathetic, and the SOREST sulking losers that we can ever be...!!! (Gets back to normal, rousing tempo.) Yes! Let us! And, in all of the fun...you...get...CASH! Money! Moolah! I mean, seriously! How can you say NO to play Rock, Paper, Scissors for wads...wads...and MORE wads of cassssshhhhhh? (Finally, Ref returns to calm.)

And now..without further adieu, I leave you with only one question to ponder;

Wilt thou choosest...The Mighty Rock? The Dense Paper? Or the Swift Scissors?

Choose...now or your fate...will be forever sealed in doom....!!!”

(With that final line, “Eye of the Tiger” plays and Ref bows. Lights then fade to black.)