The Cruellest of Midnight Ephiphanies

((Here on the Masterpost))

The cruellest of midnight epiphanies

(a.k.a. A freakin, shockin, S.M.A.C.K.!)

A one-shot written by Suzanne Helen James

Rating: T+ (mild language, innuendo)

Genre: comedy, satire, drama, aside, monologue

(Scene opens with Lillian sleeping on the couch, with her back facing the audience. Soon, mumbles are heard; they get louder and a name is more or less uttered. Lillian, in her moans, rolls off the couch and crashes on the floor. Now completely or at least, half-awake, Lillian groans and still on the floor, looks up towards the audience.)

Lillian: I think that God hates me. Despises me. He utterly abhors every fiber of this sinful being. Or, it could be worse; it could the devil who adores me. Who just loves to tug at my strings and laugh as I, his mindless puppet, dance for him, night after night after night…Although, this could also just be a figment of my imagination that the depths of my own crazy, twisted and perverted self has created in order to try and tell my sleeping subconscious something…me, Lillian Anderson. Me, a 2^nd year at Shaggington college…me, a very happy, very loving spouse of 3 years to my beloved Victor “Vicky” Wong…for the past 3 years!!! I mean, come on!!! I’m your “average Jane”, the laid-back kid who’s willing to go the extra mile to make YOU happy!! I’m your middle achiever, majoring in history, minoring in theatre!! I do the damn-dibbity best at what I’m good at!!!

So why is this happening to me? I mean ME? This shouldn’t be happening to me; normally, under normal circumstances, it wouldn’t be happening to me. Thus, this is clearly not normal. This…dilemma, this… psycho-abnormality…this self-questioning phase isn’t common. Isn’t normal. This…problem, which has been festering and scrounging in my brain for the past month alone, is NOT socially normal…

At least, for people like me, mind you.

BY people like me, I do mean good-hearted, holy-devoted-to-our-lord-Jesus-and-God, happy and “normal”-type people; said good-hearted, holy-devoted-to-our-lord-Jesus-and-God, happy, peaceful and “normal” person wouldn’t even have the time of day to even ask themselves such a ridiculous question! (laughs) Why would they? They would normally be occupied at doing other things, much more important things...than to get preoccupied over a miniscule, tiddy, little, run-out-of-the-mill, average, silly, itty-bitty like this…(that somebody just had to ask outta the blue like that)

“Am I gay?”

And before any initial conclusion is drawn, the answer to that is easy, simple and again, very very simple; it’s no. So then one would naturally ask “why the question”? I seem to defend very eagerly that I am not of the same-sex persuasion, so I shouldn’t even be concerned about the question itself…I’ve been feeling great with Vicky for the past 3 years, so that should mean something! It’s hot! We’re hot! It’s intense! We’re intense! It’s cool…we’re cool! It’s awesome, we’re awesome!!

(slight pause as Lillian, having walked and rambled incessantly around the room, sighs and flops back into the couch.)

…Well, all things were going rather good until Jennifer Sekiguchi came back into my life. (bites her lip and takes a bottle from the table) I mean, we weren’t very close, we were…okay…Knew each other in high school, then drifted apart, blah blah blah…then, speak of the devil, she shows up last year! Here! At my post-secondary institution! And before you know, we’re good old girlfriends again! (laughs and swallows) Nothing wrong! Absolutely nothing! My heart wasn’t beating or anything, I wasn’t stealing short glances and I wasn’t thinking about her as much as I did now!

But then, the piece de resistance. Boys, keep your ears wide open for this one. Keep your hands outta your pants too while you’re at it.

Alright, so imagine this; it’s the weekend, we’re studying into the night. Sounds good so far. I’m helping her with a test, since I was in her class the year before. Again, nothing of importance. A few hours into studying, we’re plum-tuck tired; then Jenny dearest brings out a few “buzz bottles” to revitalize; I don’t drink them. At first…(swallows again and giggles slightly)

Then in the melee of it all, we had a…smooch? (No, no, not good.) Mashing of lips? (no, no, too juicy.) A small, passionate pucker? (Nah,. Nah, just won’t do.) (sighs and inhales deeply) Let’s just say we had a very, very, VERY brief make out session. Boys can cheer for that, cause nothing else happened after that, let me tell you right then and now!!!

(licks lips and smirks as she gulps last bit of drink) But lemme tell you that it WAS something special…(a slight pause as Lillian realizes her slip-up and groans, slamming the bottle down on the ground as the stage dims and Lillian leaves the stage.)