"What a beautiful beast!" A review of the "Beauty and the Beast" pilot by Suzanne Helen James

((P.S. Updated with The Masterpost))

Summary: A modern-day retelling of the 80s cult hit (and NOT the Disney movie), Beauty and the Beast stars Smallville's Kristen Kreuk and Terra Nova's Jay Ryan as two star-crossed lovers who are bound together on a murder case. When Detective Chandler's recent investigation leads her to the deceased doctor Vincent Keller, she's drawn into a deeper conflict that not only involves him, but also goes back to her own mother's murder.

It may sound like it has an interesting plot, but when I'm done breaking it through the good, bad and ugly side of it, it won't look so fun.

And I'll be glad to put emphasis on the latter two.

The good: I can't find it. As in, I can't find the good in this show that's not something to nitpick. I didn't get grabbed or have insight into what the characters are thinking. I didn't feel anything. I was told who they were and had a great load of exposition, but frankly...well, I thought it was a bit done. To be honest, the only reason I'm still watching is because I'm hoping it'll get funnier or it might improve as the time goes by. So it has me on their DVR list for many more episodes to come. And I'm thinking that's a GOOD thing.

The bad: Where do I begin? Here's the list of major notables:

 1) The late night bar with the funny name ("Salty dawg"..really? There's just something sleazy about that name for some reason. It makes me uncomfortable)

2) KKreuk's childish pigtails, along with the boss lady's conversation ("I'll hand it -the restaurant- to you when I get arrested...or divorced")

3) The mother's rescue (to be honest, I would've thought about calling a cab and leaving the car there overnight...and then calling my mom. But this isn't MY story, so...)

4) The douchebag one-scene love interest (whose 5-second appearance is solely for the ironic purpose of making the tough-girl damsel KKreuk look good, but actually makes her look bad because he's used as a tool of what kind of man you would avoid if you weren't a tough-hearted, no-nonsense girl looking for love in all the wrong places.)

5) The convenient inclusion of the new potential love interest (that's not the Beast) who's the "Handsome and BRITISH coroner with a lack of attachment but who'll be willing to change that for the protagonist because he'll grow feelings for her" (seriously, if you missed their interactions and missed the foreshadowing then my goodness, you weren't paying attention.)

6) And the general feeling that you have a show that's trying too hard to pander to its ridiculously obvious skewed young adult/teenage demographic while utterly failing to bring a cohesive background to the Beast's storyline that's not already done. To break it down in layman's terms: Butt-kicking Tough cookie but-still-a-damsel-in-distress plus Edward Cullen the brooding were-hulk with the in the Big Apple equals this show.

But I'm not even sure that it's the baddest or ugliest thing about this show because...

The Ugly comes in form of the "Beast" himself to whom I've given many nicknames already. And just to remind you, there isn't a beast in question. Well, not in the traditional sense. The creature in question is super fast, with golden eyes, super strength and an uncontrollable urge to smash things and people in the name of love. Or his forgotten humanity.

Yes. It's the Hulk.

But it's not the Hulk.

This beast was created as a result of the super soldier program "Operation Muirfield", where the army gave steroids that made the users go ballistic when in battle. Naturally, this has them becoming a liability and therefore they have to get eliminated...except for our beloved "Beast", which gets to survive thanks to "luck".

Personally, I think it would've been cooler if he was a zombie.

Also, while on the topic of ugly, the fight scene in the subway made me grimace a little. I mean, don't get me wrong on the fight scene on the train platform; KKreuk's fighting was well-done (she's proficient in martial arts and if you watch Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, I'm sure she'll show off even more), but the way it was brought up was awkward as hell and too darned predictable.

It gets worse when her legitimate fighting skills are dampened to enable the Beast to save her... and we get a free puppet show as the camera refuses to show us how the assailants are killed. Beauty then decides to follow him down the train tracks...even though there was still an operating train not that long ago.

Then that scene when she just screams in agony and anger and "GWAH GWAG GAGHHH!!! I'm ANGRY AND I'MMA FIND YOUR ASS IF YOU DON'T COME OUT!!!"

But the Beast doesn't hear her.

The train does her instead.

Cue the last-minute save...

And he wins her heart! The Beast wins the Beauty`s heart with a save and a touchdownnn!!

(Insert gif here)

But to be honest...

All of this drama could've been avoided if Cat would've had a sassy gay friend.

But she doesn't.

Then again, if she had been given common sense as opposed to 'feelings', there'd be no plot, no show, and no chance for chemistry with the handsome monster.

And worst of all, I'd have nothing to talk about.

So in the end, I`m gonna watch it. You know, for the camp? And the mystery and that whole hullabaloo.

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AND NOW, SOME EXTRA FACTS! (of various relevance)

. The series is shot in Toronto, Ontario (Oh hey, Canadiana!)

. This series was based on the 80s tv show of the same name, with Linda Hamilton (yes, that one) and Ron Pearlman in the main roles. It lasted for 3 seasons, with the 3rd season having Hamilton leaving due to being pregnant for a certain someone's baby. (That certain someone shares his name with the current PM of England, but they're not related.)

. The husband of the victim of the week was plated by Yannick Bisson, who's best known for playing Victorian Detective William Murdoch in the Canadian show "Murdoch Mysteries".

. The first season is set for 13 episodes. Let's hope it manages to go further!